ha' spitted me just now like a Goose as I was for telling him he look'd like the Ox that 's roasted whole in St. Iames's Fair. Who 's there Ioll. See who 's at door I shall ha' some plundred Plate I hope to entertain my friends with when we come to visit the Truncks with Iron hoops who is 't Will. Nay Heaven knows Sir two Fiends I think to take away the Cook for swearing They ha' thrust in after me Scene 2. Enter Worm and Puny disguised like the Merchant and John Wor. They 'l hardly know us at first in these forein habits Pun. I Sir and as the Sun has us'd us in those hot Countries Wor. Why this is my old house here Iohn ha ha little thought I to see my old house upon Tower-hill again Where 's my brother Iolly Ioll. They call me Colonel Iolly Wor. Ha! let me see A burly man of a Looks on his Note moderate stature a beard a little greyish ha a quick Eye and a Nose inclining to red Pun. Nay 't is my Master's Worship Sir would we were no more alter'd since our Travels Wor. It agrees very well Save you good brother you little thought to see me here again though I dare say you wish'd it stay let me see how many years Iohn is 't since we went from hence Pun. 'T is now seven years Sir Wor. Seven me-thinks I was here but yesterday how the what deye-call-it-runs how do you call it Pun. The Time Sir Wor. I I the time Iohn what was I saying I was telling you brother that I had quite forgot you was I not telling him so Iohn Ioll. Faith we 'r both quits then I 'l swear I ha' forgot you why you were dead five years ago Wor. Was I I ha' quite forgot it Iohn was I dead five years ago my memory fails me very much of late Pun. We were worse than dead Sir we were taken by a barbarous Nation and there made slaves Iohn quoth he I was poor Iohn I 'm sure they kept us three whole years with nothing but Water and Acorns till we look'd like Wicker bottles Wor. What Sirrah did your Master look like I 'l teach you to say your Master look'd like what de-ye-call ' ums Ioll. Where did they take you prisoners Wor. Nay ask Iohn he can tell you I warrant you 't was in tell him Iohn where it was Pun. In Guiny Ioll. By what Country-men were you taken Wor. Why they were called I ha' forgot what they call 'em 't was an odd kind o' name but Iohn can tell you Pun. Who I Sir do you think I can remember all things Wor. 'T is i' my Book here I remember well Name any Nation under the Sun Pun. I know the name Sir well enough but I onely try'd my Master's memory 'T was the Tartarians Wor. I I those were the men Ioll. How Iohn why all the world man lies betwixt 'em they live up in the North. Pun. The North Ioll. I the very North Iohn Pun. That 's true indeed but these were another Nation of Tartarians that liv'd in the South they came antiently from the others Ioll. How got you from 'em Iohn at last Pun. Why faith Sir by a Ladies means who to tell you the truth fell in love with me my Master has it all in his Book 't is a brave story Ioll. In what Ship came you back Pun. A plague of 't that question will be our ruine VVor. What Ship 't was call'd a thing that swims what d ee you call 't Ioll. The Mermaid VVor. No no let me see Ioll. The Triton VVor. No no a thing that in the water does it swims in the water Ioll. What is 't the Dolphin VVor. No no I ha' quite forgot the name on 't but 't is no matter it swims Ioll. What say you Iohn Pun. I Sir my Master knows well enough you cann't conceive the misery we endur'd Sir Ioll. Well Brother I 'l but ask you one question more where did you leave your Will Pun. ' Life now he 's pos'd again we shall never carry 't through VVor. I 'l tell you presently Brother let me see Reads in his Scrowl Memorandums about my Will left to my Brother the whole charge of my Estate hum hum five thousand pounds hum What did you ask me brother Ioll. In what place you left your Will VVor. I that was it indeed that was the very thing you ask'd me what a treacherous memory have I my memory is so short Ioll. This is no Answer to my Question yet Wor. 'T is true indeed what was your Question brother Ioll. Where you left your Will Wor. Good Lord that I should forget you ask'd me that I had forgot it i'faith law that I had you 'l pardon I hope my Infirmity for I alas alas I ha' forgot what I was going to say to you but I was saying something that I was Ioll. Well Gentlemen I 'm now in haste walk but a while into the Parlour there I 'l come to you presently Wor. But where 's my daughter Pun. Lucia Sir Wor. I Lucia put me in mind to ask for her a plague o' your Tartarians Pun. And o' your What dee-ye-call-'ems Wor. ' Life Tartarians Exeunt Worm Puny Ioll. If these be Rogues as Rogues they seem to be I will so exercise my Rogues the tyranny of a new Beadle over a Beggar shall be nothing to 't what think'st thou of 'em Will Will. Faith Sir I know not h'as just my Masters Nose and Upper-lip but if you think it be not he Sir I 'l beat 'em worse than the Tartarians did Ioll. No let 's try 'em first trick for trick Thou were wont to be a precious Knave and a great Actor too a very Roscius did'st not thou play once the Clown in Musidorus Will. No but I plaid the Bear Sir Ioll. The Bear why that 's as good a Part thou 'rt an Actor then I 'l warrant thee the Bears a well-penn'd Part and you remember my Brother's humor don't you They have almost hit it Will. I Sir I knew the shortness of his memory he would always forget to pay me my Wages till he was put in mind of 't Ioll. Well said I 'l dress thee within and all the Servants shall acknowledge thee you conceive the Design be confident and thou cast not miss but who shall do trusty Iohn Will Oh Ralph the Butler Sir 's an excellent try'd Actor he play'd a King once I ha' heard him speak a Play ex tempore in the Butteries Ioll. O excellent Ralph incomparable Ralph against the world Come away VVilliam I 'l give you instructions within it must be done in a moment Exeunt Scene 3. Enter Aurelia Jane Iane. Ha ha ha this is the best Plot o' yours dear Madam to marry me to Mr. Truman in a Veil instead of your self I cann't chuse but laugh at the very conceit of 't 't will make excellent sport My Mistris will be so mad when she
I could not ha' don 't with a good conscience Well Dick I 'le go talk with her mother about this matter and examine fully what her Estate is for unless it prove a good one I tell you true Dick I 'me o' your Opinion not to marry such a Rogues daughter Trum. jun. I beseech you Sir Exit Trum sen. It is in vain to speak to him Though I to save this Dung-hill an Estate Have done a Crime like theirs Who have abjur'd their King for the same cause I will not yet like them persue the guilt And in thy place Lucia my lawful Soverain Set up a low and scandalous Usurper Enter Servant Serv. 'T is well the old man's just gone There 's a Gentlewoman without Sir desires to speak one word with you Trum. jun. With me who is 't Serv. It should be Mrs. Lucia by her voice Sir but she 's veil'd all over Will you please to see her Sir Trum. Will I see her Blockhead yes go out and kneel to her And pray her to come in Exit Serv. Scene 3. Lucia veil'd Truman Trum. This is a favour Madam That I as little hop'd as I am able To thank you for it But why all this muffling Why a disguise my Dearest between us Unless to increase my desire first and then my joy to see thee Thou cast this subtil night before thy beauty And now like one scorch'd with some raging Feaver Upon whose flames no dew of sleep has faln I do begin to quarrel with the Darkness And blame the sloathful rising of the Morn And with more joy shall welcome it than they Whose Icy dwellings the cold Bear o're-looks When after half the years Winter and Night Day and the Spring at once salutes their sight Thus it appears thus like thy matchless beauty offers to pull off the Veil When this black Clowd is vanish'd Why d' e you shrink back my Dearest I prethee let me look a little on thee 'T is all the pleasure Love has yet allow'd me And more than Nature does in all things else At least speak to me well may I call it Night When Silence too thus joyns it self with Darkness Ha! I had quite forgot the cursed Oath I made Pish what 's an Oath forc'd from a Lovers Tongue 'T is not recorded in Heaven's dreadful book But scatter'd loosely by the breath that made it Away with it to make it was but a Rashness To keep it were a Sin Dear Madam Offers agen but she refuses gives him a Note Ha! let 's see this then first You know I have forgiven your unkind Oath to your He reads Father and shall never suffer you to be perjur'd I come onely to let you know that the Physician and the ' Pothecary will do this morning what we propos'd be ready at hand if there should be occasion for your presence I dare not stay one minute Farewel Now thousand Angels wait upon thee Lucia And thousand Blessings upon all thou do'st Let me but kiss your hand And I 'le dismiss you Ah cruel father when thou mad'st the Oath Thou little thought'st that thou had'st left Such blessings for me out of it Exeunt Scene 4. Colonel Iolly Will his Man Col. Iolly in an Indian Gown and Night-cap Ioll. Give me the Pills what said the Doctor Will Will. He said a great deal Sir but I was not Doctor enough to understand half of it Ioll. A man may drink he says for all these Bawbles Will. He 's ill advised if he give your Worship drinking Pills for when you were drinking last together a Fit took you to beat the Doctor which your Worship told him was a new Disease Ioll. He was drunk then himself first and spoke False Latin which becomes a Doctor worse than a beating But he does not remember that I hope now Will. I think he does Sir for he says the Pills Are to purge Black Choler Ioll. I Melancholy I shall ha' need of them then for my old Purger of Melancholy Canary will grow too dear for me shortly my own Estate was sold for being with the King at Oxford A Curse upon an old Dunce that needs must be going to Oxford at my years My good Neighbor I thank him Collonel Fear-the Lord-Barebottle a Saint and a Sope-boyler bought it But he 's dead and boiling now himself that 's the best of 't There 's a Cavalier's comfort If his damnable Wife now would marry me it would return again as I hope all things will at last and even that too were as hard a Composition for ones own as ever was made at Habber-dashers-Hall but hang her she 'l ha' none o' me unless I were True Rich and Counterfeit Godly let her go to her husband so much for that It does not go down takes a Pill so glib as an Egg in Muskadine Now when my Nieces Portion too goes out o' my hands which I can keep but till a handsome Wench of eighteen pleases to marry a pitiful slender Tenure that 's the truth on 't I ha' nothing to do but to live by Plots for the King or at least to be hang'd by ' em So go thou too well something must be takes the two other Pills done unless a man could get true Gems by drinking or like a Mouse in a Cheese make himself a house by eating Will did you send for Colonel Cutter and Captain Worm to come and keep me company this morning that I take Physick They 'l be loth to come to day there 's so little hope o' drinking here Will. They said they would be here Sir before this time Some Morning's draught I believe has intercepted ' em Ioll. I could Repent now heartily but that 't would look as if I were compell'd to 't and besides if it should draw me to Amendment 't would undo me now till I ha' gotten something 'T is a hard case to wrong my pretty Niece but unless I get this wicked Widow I and my daughter must starve else and that 's harder yet Necessity is as I take it Fatality and that will excuse all things O! Here they are Scene 5. Colonel Iolly Colonel Cutter Captain Worm Ioll. Welcome Men o' war what news abroad in Town Cut. Brave news I faith it arriv'd but yesterday by an Irish Priest that came over in the habit of a Fish-wife a cunning fellow and a man o' business he 's to lie Leiger here for a whole Irish College beyond-Sea and do all their Affairs of State The Captain spoke with him last night at the Blew Anchor Ioll. Well and what is 't Worm Why Business is afloat again the King has muster'd five and twenty thousand men in Flanders as tall Fellows as any are in Christendom Ioll. A pox upon you for a couple of gross Cheats I wonder from what fools in what blind corners you get a dinner for this stuff Cut. Nay there 's another News that 's stranger ye but for that let the Captain Answer Wor. I confess
in too and she 'l away to New-England well this does not do my business I 'l about it and send for her Exit Enter Ralph Aur. And I 'l about mine Ralph did you speak to Mr. Puny to meet me an hour hence at the back-dore in the Garden he must not know the estate the house is in yet Ralph Yes forsooth he bad me tell you he 'd no more fail you than the Sun fails Barnaby-day I know not what he means by 't but he charg'd me to tell you so and he would bring forsooth his Regiment of five hundred He 's a mad man I think Aurel. Well did you speak to Mr. Soaker to stay within too the little Deacon that uses to drink with Will and you Ral. Yes forsooth he 's in the Buttery Aur. Pray Heaven he don't forget my Instructions there But first I have a little trick for my Lovers to begin withall they shall ha' twenty more before I ha' done with ' em Exit Scene 2. Enter Truman junior Trum. The Veil of this mistake will soon be cast away I would I could remove Lucia's as easily and see her face again as fair as shortly our Innocence will appear But if my angry father come to know our late Intelligence in this unlucky business though we ha' fulfill'd the Letter of his Will that which can satisfie a Lover's Conscience will hardly do so to an old man's Passion Ye Heavenly Powers or take away my life or give me quickly that for which I onely am content to keep it Scene 3. Enter Aurelia veil'd Ha! I did but speak just now of Heavenly powers And my blest Angel enters sure they have Heard me and promise what I prayed for My dear Lucia I thought you 'd been a kind of prisoner too She gives him a Paper and embraces him She 's kinder too than she was wont to be My prayers are heard and granted I 'm confirm'd in 't By my Maid's means I have gotten Keys both of my Reads own Chamber and yours we may escape if you please but that I fear would ruine you We lie both now in the same house a good fortune that is not like to continue since I have the engagement of your faith I account my self your Wife already and shall put my honor into your hands about Midnight I shall steal to you If I were to speak this I should blush but I know whom I trust Yours Lucia Trum. Thou dost not know me Lucia aside And hast forgot thy self I am amaz'd Stay here 's a Postscript Burn this Paper as soon as you have read it Burn it yes would I had don 't before Burns it at the Candle May all remembrance of thee perish with thee Unhappy paper Thy very ashes sure will not be innocent But flie about and hurt some chast man's eyes As they do mine weeps Oh Lucia this I thought of all misfortunes Would never have befaln me to see thee Forget the ways of Virtue and of Honor. I little thought to see upon our love That flourish'd with so sweet and fresh a Beauty The slimy traces of that Serpent Lust. What Devil has poison'd her I know not what to say to her Go Lucia retire prethee to thy Chamber And call thy wandring Virtue home again It is not yet far gone but call it quickly 'T is in a dangerous way I will forget thy error And spend this night in prayers that Heaven may do so Exit Aur. Would she have had me been mine own Adulterer Before my Marriage Oh lust Oh frailty Where in all human nature shall we miss The ulcerous fermentations of thy heat When thus alas we find thee breaking out Upon the comli'st Visage of perfection Exit Scene 4. Aurelia Aur. Pray Heaven I ha'nt made my foolish Wit stay for me if he talk with others of the house before me I 'm undone Stay have I my Paper ready Oh! that 's Pulls out a Paeper well my Hand I 'm sure 's as like hers as the Left is to the Right we were taught by the same Master pure Italian there 's her A's and her G's I 'l swear Oh! are you come that 's well Scene 5. Enter Puny 'T is almost four o' clock and that 's the precious hour Pun. My little Heliogabalus here I am Praesto Aur. You 'r always calling me names Mr. Puny that 's unkindly done to one that 's labouring for you as I am Pun. I ha' made more haste hither than a Parson does to a Living o' three hundred and fifty pounds a year Aur. Puny you 'r not a man o' business I see that 's not the style o' business Well I ha' done I think the work for you 't is as odd a Plot as ever you heard Pun. I like it better I love odd things Aur. Why thus then you know Mr. Truman took an Oath to his father never to see my Cousin more without his leave Pun. Pish do I know that a Lawyer loves to take mony in Michaelmas Term Aur. A pies upon you well my father has made Lucy swear too never to see Truman without his consent Pun. Good there will be a good Bo-peep love Aur. For all this thy'r resolv'd to marry this after-noon nay don't interrupt me with your Fopperies or I 'l be gon and to save their Oathes like cunning Caluists as all Lovers are they 'l be married in a dark room do you mark me the Minister Mr. Soaker is to marry them without Book and because thei 'r bound not to speak to one another for that I forgat to tell you they 'r to signifie their consent when he asks 'em Will you such a one by reverences and giving their hands you never heard of such a humor but their both mad Pun. Ha! ha ha Rare as Fantastical as a Whirl-gig but how come you to know all this my little pretty Witch of Lancashire Aur. Why that I 'me coming to her Maid you must know is my Pensioner and betrays all Counsels And to confirm all this to you here 's her last Letter to Truman about the business which my Intelligencer ha's Deliver'd to me instead of him you know her hand Read it all over to your self Pun. I le swear by her Foot this is her Hand hum my Uncles sick and no Body will be at this Reads side o' the House the matted Chamber hum In at the Back door which shall be left only put to ha ha ha Mr. Soaker with you just at four you must not stay long with me ha ha ha when 't is done and past recovery they 'l release us of our Oaths hum I shall not fail yours L. ha ha ha Aur. Now he knows nothing o' the time for that he should ha' known by this Letter and you conceive my design I hope you 'r not a Wit for nothing Pun. My dear Pythagorean that I should go in and Marry her instead of him Aur. Right thou 'st a shrewd reach Pun. But where 's old Soaker all