Selected quad for the lemma: book_n
Text snippets containing the quad
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ID |
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Corrected Date of Publication (TCP Date of Publication) |
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A32424
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Cambridge jests, or, Witty alarums for melancholy spirits by a lover of ha, ha, he.
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Lover of ha, ha, he.
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1674
(1674)
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Wing C332; ESTC R7388
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59,605
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164
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the matter being discovered the Apothecary became even to this day a cause of mirth and laughter to as many as knew the matter every one asking him whether the Cat that ate the Hare had shit the Honey 2â—6 A Souldier a merry fellow finding a Louse one day on his sleeve walking to and fro to take the Air took him up by the back between his fingers and said I protest if I catch you again out of your quarters you shall die and so put him into his Collar 207. A Countrey Farmer coming up to the Temple to enquire for his Son whom he had sent thither to study the Law found in a Note that was left in the Key hole I am gone to the Devil Ah said his Father my dear Child have I brought thee up so tenderly to come to this and began to take it so heavily supposing the Law had brought him to the Devil before his time 208. A Maid being to dress a Rabbet for her Masters Supper being newly come to Town partly out of ignorance partly out of haste sent it to the Table with the ears on the head this made the Company laugh so that her Master could not find in his heart to be angry but onely admonâ—shed her that she should not use to send up the ears Not long after there was a Pig to be sent to Table and remembring her Masters charge she eat up the two ears 209. Alphonsus King of Naples had in his Court a Fool which used to write down in a Book all the Follies of the great men of his time that were at Court The King one day having a Moor in his Houshold he sent him to the Levant to buy Horses with Ten thousand Ducats This the Fool marked in his Book esteeming it a pure folly In short time after the King as he used to do when he had a mind to be merry called for the Book and found at last his own name with the Story of the Ten thousand Ducats The King being somewhat moved asked the reason why his name was there Because said the Jester you have committed a piece of folly to give your money to one you are never like to see again But if he come again answered the King and bring me the Horses what folly is that in me Then replied the Fool If he ever come again I will blot out your name and put in his thâ— is so foolish to return with your money 210. An English Merchant trading at Amsterdam was to sell a thousand pounds worth of Gloves to certain Jews and had agreed upon the price but the Jews recanting of the bargain when they brought their money would have but half Well said the English Merchant then you must give me a little time to sort them and you shall have half so he commanded his men to put all the right-handed ones in one parcel and the left in another then when the Jews came he bid them take their choice which being made and the money paid they began to pack them up but perceiving at last they were all for one hand they were forced to come and buy the rest at the Merchants rate 211. A poor Yorkshire man bringing up his Son to the University was told he might have very good lodging when he came there at the Cardinals Cap Yes but said he will it not make my Son a Papist 212. The same man being come to the University with his Son as they were both drinking in the Kitchin at their Inn the youth espied a long Kettle amongst the rest and knowing this was the place where he was to get his Learning Pray father says he what is that Kettle for Why said his Father 't is such a one as we never had in all our generation but I suppose it is that when they would have two several broths they put fish in one end and flesh iâ— the other The boy hearing this makes answer to his father O the Devil 〈◊〉 you 213. 'T is reported of King James that when a Gentleman made as though he took a Louse off his Arm he gave him Twenty pounds saying it was a Gentleman's companion Whereupon to make the King merry he said That he would maintain a Louse to be the nimblest and the slowest of all Animals the strongest and the weakest the worst and the best The nimblest says he because let me go never so fast it never deserts me the slowest because if I will pull it out of my head and lay it down it can never overtake me the strongest because if a house fall on me yet 't is ten to one if the Louse be kill'd and knock'd in the head the weakest because I can kill it with my Thumb the worst companion because it alwayes preys upon me and the best because it alwayes accompanies me in my adversity 214. A simple Fellow walking in the Fields alone came at last to a Ditch and making a pause Now Robin said he to himself what do'st think canst thou leap over this Ditch or no In faith replied he to himself I cannot tell but if thou wilt Robin I will lay thee a Crown I do A match And so he prepar'd himself to leap and taking a good run and the advantage of the Bank he leaped quite over Ah boys said he there 's your Crown But now Robin wilt thou lay another that thou canst leap back Faith that 's very difficult nevertheless hang it I do Then taking a good run he leaps just into the middle up to the waste in mire and water but crawling out on the other side Hang it says he I don't much care I have neither won nor lost 215. Ralph Amner the great Bull-maker of Windsor tumbling one day over a Form A pox on it says he I have burnt my shins 216. A Roguish Butcher told a Fool he would give him a farthing to leap into the kennel which was pretty broad after the new-fallen rain so the Fool hopt in first with one foot but the Butcher would have him leap in with both then he hops in with the other yet was very loath to leap in with both The Butcher still urging him at last he leaps in with both and then would have his farthing But the Butcher said he would give him none I thought so at first says he and so goes his way 217. Tom the Barber seeing his Neighbour cut down a Pear Tree desired him to let him have some of it Why what use would you put it to said he I would replied he onely make a few Box Combs 218. A Lawyer and a Divine being merry together the former to jeer the latter said I heard a Priest say one Sunday in his Sermon instead of Jonas was three dayes and three nights in the Whales Belly that he was three dayes and three nights in a Quailes Belly And I said the Divine heard one say once Instead of the Devil was a Liar from the beginning the Devil was a Lawyer from
knowing that his age was great and his hairs grey and thinking they were the cause why he did not succeed he coloured his Beard black and put on a Peruque and like a young man came again and petitioned the King concerning the same business his Majesty perceiving the deceit said to him I would be very glad to gratifie you in your desire but 't is not long since I deny'd it to your Father and 't were unjust to grant the Son what I deny'd him 50. In the flourishing time of Greece when young Alexander made the World shake and the War began to be waged against the Persian Monarchy the timerous Spies told one of Alexander's Captains That the Enemies beside all their other Military Preparations brought so many Archers against him as would darken the sky and exclude the light of the Sun at which news nothing daunted T is good news for us said he that are in a hot countrey for we shall fight in the shade 51. In Naples a City of Italy there happen'd in a great Siege it endured that the Governour made a severe Order That every man should be put to death that being above such an age did not wear a Sword but not long after as he was riding through the Street to see how well his Order was put in execution he espied a Gentleman without a Sword and commanded him to be brought before him then was the Order read and he condemned to die the death appointed which was to be hanged on the next Sign Post The Gentleman after he had pleaded several things in his own behalf but could avail nothing nevertheless desired this favour that he might not die so ignominiously but that the next Gentleman that passed might run him through with his Sword the request being reasonable was granted and the execution prorogued till the next came Now it happen'd that a young Gallant was coming from a Gameing House that way that having lost all so much as the blade of his Sword which was good Merchandise at that time did not dare in regard of the severe Order to go home until a woodden one was fitted to the handle This Gentleman was stopt and the dying mans case laid open but this ingenious person knowing his own insufficiency What said he must I be a common Executioner Must I stain my hands in blood without passion and be a reproach to all men Nevertheless this argument availed nothing and kill him he must then putting off his Cloak he began a Prayer to this effect Thou who seest all the transactions here below judge I pray thee and vindicate the cause of those that suffer wrong in especial manner grant that if this man here ought not to die this Sword may be turned into wood Then drawing it forth it appeared to be wood wherefore the dying Gentleman was released immediately with abundance of joy and the Woodden Sword was carried with great solemnity and hung up in the Cathedral Church as a true link to the Chain of Popish Miracles 52. In these late times every discourse being of preparations of War and proceedings against the Dutch amongst many other questions one was so curious as to ask one in the company why the Dutch were called Butter-boxes T is replied the other merrily because they are spread over the whole world 53. A Seaman being extreamly dry in the middle of the Fight was drinking to another out of a Bottle of Brandy when at the instant a Bullet coming through a Port-hole kill'd him as he was drinking wherefore falling down dead and the Bottle breaking A pox light on you said the other for a Rogue to spill all the Brandy 54. There were at Newberry some She Annabaptists that took upon them to have Revelations and therein to see such glorious things as could not be related nor imagined by others drawing by such means many poor simple people to be of their Religion in hopes of seeing the like glorious Visions One amongst the rest told the holy Brotherhood that she had a Revelation to be taken up into Heaven on such a night the rest resolving to take their solemn leave of her at the time appointed all went out with her into the Fields to see her glorious Ascension the night happen'd to be a Moon-shiny night and as they expected when some Angel should come to fetch her in a Fiery Chariot a Cloud covers the face of the Moon whereupon they began to cry Behold he comes in the clouds but immediately their hopes vanished with the Cloud 55. Another Quaker being Apprentice to a Tradesman in the City of London became at last after he had received the Documents of his Mistriss so Phanatical that he would give new names to all things in the Shop for being a Habberdasher of Small Ware if any one came for a Shuttle-cock he call'd it a Flying Cock if for a Ruler he call'd it a Measure of Righteousness if for Needles those he called the Camels impossibility if for Ribbons those he named the Devils Colours insomuch that he rendred himself incapable of Trading One day above the rest when his Master had invited many Guests to dinner he went into the Room and taking a Stool carried it to the upper end of the Table and sate down thereon covered His Master much astonished at his new impudence especially before so much company asked him the reason Why said he I am the Servant of the Living God and have more right to the creatures than you 56. A Valiant Captain that had lost his Leg formerly in the Wars was nevertheless for his great prudence and courage made Captain of a Ship and being in the midst of an Engagement a Cannon Bullet took off his woodden supporter so that he fell down the Seamen forasmuch as few knew he had a woodden leg call'd out for the Surgeon The Surgeon a pox on you all said he a Carpenter a Carpenter 57. A severe School-Master having one morning whipt one of his Boys saw him as soon as he came to his place write something in his table-Table-book wherefore commanding him to bring the Book and looking therein he saw that the Lad had writ down every time he had been whipt at School wherefore commending him for so doing as if the writing them down should put the faults fresh in his memory and make him eschew them he gave him half a Crown to buy him a Common-place Book The Youth bought a Common-place Book and the next day brought it to School his Master seeing it called him out for his Lesson and notwithstanding the Boy did very well whipt him Pray Sir said he let me know my fault for I perceive nothing in my self worthy of this punishment O said he if I do not take this course you will never fill your Common-place Book 58. A Citizen of London going along the Streets very hastily came at last where a great stop was made by Carts and other Gentlemen talking together who knew him one of