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A28203
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The assembly-man written by John Birkenhead, in the year 1647.
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Birkenhead, John, Sir, 1616-1679.
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1682
(1682)
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Wing B2963; ESTC R35660
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9,019
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11
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irrational Bleating that without a Metaphor 't is the Calves of his Lipps And commonly 't is larded with fine new words as Savingable Muchly Christ-Jesusnes c. and yet he has the face to preach against Prayer in an unknown Tongue Sometimes he is founder'd and then there is such hideous Coughing But that is very seldom for he can glibly run over Non-sence as an empty Cart trundles down a Hill VVhen the King girt round the Earl of Essex at Lestythiell an Assembler complained that God had drawn his People into the Wilderness and told Him He was bound in honour to feed them for Lord said he since thou givest them no Meat we pray thee O Lord to give them no Stomachs He tore the Liturgie because forsooth it shackled his Spirit he would be a Devil without a circle and now if he see the Book of Common-prayer the fire sees it next as sure as the Bishops were burned who compiled it Yet he has mercy on Hopkins and Sternhold because their Meeters are sung without Authority no Statute Canon or Injunction at all only like himself first crept into private houses and then into Churches Mr. Rous moved those Meeters might be sequestred and his own new Rithmes to enjoy the sequestration but was refused because John Hopkins was as ancient as John Calvin Besides when Rous stood forth for his Trial Robin Wisdom was found the better Poet. 'T is true they have a Directory but 't is good for nothing but Adoniram who sold the Original for 400 l. And the Book must serve both England and Scotland as the Directory Needle point's North and South The Assembler's only ingenuity is that he prays for an ex tempore Spirit since his Conscience tells him he has no Learning His prayer thus ended he then looks round to observe the Sex of his Congregation and accordingly turns the Apostle's Men Fathers and Brethren into Dear Brethren and Sisters For his usual Auditory is most-part Female and as many Sisters flock to him as at Paris on Saint Margarets day when all come to Church that are or hope to be with child that year He divides his Text as he did the Kingdom makes one part fight against another or as Burges divides the Dean of Paul's House not into parts but Tenements that is so as 't will yield most money And properly they are Tenements for each part must be dwelt upon though himself comes near it but once a quarter and so his Text is rather let out than Divided Yet sometimes to shew his skill in Keckermen he Butchers a Text cuts it just as the Levite did his Concubine into many dead parts breaking the sence and words all to pieces and then they are not divided but shattered like the Splinters of Don Quixot's Lance. If his Text be to the occasion his first Dish is Apples of Gold in Pictures of Silver yet tells not the People what Pictures those were His Sermon and prayer grin at each other the one is Presbyterian the other Independent for he preaches up the Classes yet prays for the Army Let his Doctrine and Reason be what they will his Vse is still to save his Benefice and augment his Lecture He talks much of Truth but abhorrs Peace lest it strip him as naked as Truth and therefore hates a personal Treaty unless with a Sister He has a rare simpering way of expressions he calls a Marryed Couple Saints that enjoy the mistery a man Drunk is a Brother full of the Creature Yet at Wedding Sermors he is very familiar like that Picture in the Church at Leyden shews Adam Eve without Figleaves At Funerals he gives infallible Signs that the Party is gone to Heaven but his chief Mark of a child of God is to be good to God's Ministers And hence it is he calls his Preachment Manna fitted not to his hearers Necessity but their Palat for 't is to feed himself not them If he chance to tire he refreshes himself with the Peoples Hum as a Collar of Bells to chear up a Pack-horse 'T is no wonder he 'll preach but that any will hear him and his constant Auditors do but shew the length of their Ears For he is such an' A 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 that to hear him makes good Scholars sick but to read him is death Yet though you heard him three hours he 'll ask a fourth as the Beggar at Delph craves your Charity because he cats four pound of Bread at a Meal 'T was from his Larum the Watch-makers learn'd their infinite Skrew His Glass and Text are equaly handled that is once an hour nay sometimes be sally's and never returns and then we should leave him to the Company of Lorimers for he must be held with Bit and Bridle Who ever once has been at his Church can never doubt the History of Balaam If he have got any new Tale or Expression 't is easier to make stones speak than him to hold his peace He hates a Church where there is an Eccho for it Robs him of his dear Repetition and confounds the Auditory as well as he But of all Mortals I admire the Short-hand-men who have the patience to write from his Mouth had they the art to shorten it into Sense they might write his whole Sermon on the back of their Nail For his Invention consists in finding a way to speak nothing upon any thing and were he in the Grand Seignior's power he would lodge him with his Mutes for Nothing and Nothing to purpose are all one I wonder in conscience he can preach against Sleeping at his Opium-Sermons He preaches indeed both in season and out of season for he rayl's at Popery when the Land is almost lost in Presbytery and would cry out Fire Fire in Noah's Flood Yet all this he so acts with his Hands that in this sence too his Preaching is an Handicraft Nor can we complain that Plays are put down while he can preach save only his Sermons have worse sence and less truth But he blew down the Stage and preach'd up the Scaffold And very wisely lest men should track him and find where he pilfers all his best Simile's the only thing wherein he is commendable St Paul himself having cull'd Sentences from Menander's Thais though 't was his worst that is unchast Comedy Sometimes the Assembler will venture at the Original and then with the translator of Don Quixot he mistakes Sobs and Sighs for Eggs and Collops But commonly for want of Greek and Latin he learns Hebrew and streight is illuminated that is mad his Brain is broke by a Brickbat cast from the Tower of Babel And yet this empty windy Teacher has Lectur'd a War quite round the Kingdom he has found a Circulation of blood for Destruction as famous Harvey for Preservation of Mankind 'T was easie to foresee a great Mortality when Ravens were heard in all Corporations For as Multitude of Froggs presage a Pestilence so croaking Lecturers foretold