Orders makes them first Deacons and then Priests and so puts them into a capacity to become Cu Rats Vicars or Parsons as soon as they can get Livings Which Livings were formerly some at the Popes dispose which in Harry the VIII's time fell to the King and are generally now at the Lord Chancellors disposal some were at the Abbots disposal which were given to the Senior Fellows at Oxford and Cambridge some were at the disposal of the Bishop of the Diocess and so continue still Now if my Lord Chancellor hath a Kinsman or a Friend for whom he hath a favour then 't is his Jure Divino And usually if the present Incumbent lie sick there are two or three like Carrion Crows are ready to seiz upon the Careass of the Living attending the death of the sick man and many times before the breath is out of his Body put foot in Stirrup spur cut and away they ride post as fast as they can and he that the Lord Chancellor finds the best Schollar able to decline the Latin word Bribo Bribe-Ass Bribe-bravely is well qualified and ipso facto inducted If the Bishop of the Diocess hath a Kinsman or a Contemporary or a Daughter then pin the Daughter upon the Parsons sleeve and let them go together If you are ignorant in this Trade go to old Tomkins of Worcester he can inform you how to get Livings a Prebendship and several good Parsonages provided always you have money although as very a Dunce as himself whose stock of Sermons though but small are 〈◊〉 put off without a form of Prayer Indeed he tells the People they shall pray for such and such but never prays himself for any If a man be the Senior Fellow of a house although as very a Dunce as the Vice-Chancellor who is Dunce enough witness his speaking Latine to young Scholars who say he often breaks Pritian's pate and witness that Cringing Bowing Hodg-podge Pie-bald Worship wherein I saw him so busie an Actor when I was last at Oxford in the House of RIMMON and witness also the Discourse he had with a Tanner whose Parts he not being able to deal with confest he admir'd that such Parts should be found in a man of his quality And as the Tanner tann'd him so I could as willingly cobble him for his Worship that I saw in Oxford But his Worship is as good as the Bishop of Oxford Dr. Blanford's Divinity who told William Gregory when he demanded of him why he kept him Prisoner so long That he punished his Body to do his Soul good I would knock my Aules in a post and burn my Last if I left him not as mute as the Quaker-Woman at Witney But to return from this Digression if a very Dunce be Senior Fellow of a house the first Living that falls is his Jure Divino as they account it As is evident in Cox late of Slimbridge a Living worth 250 l. per annum who being Senior Fellow of Mandlin in Oxford and so having that Living fallen into his hands was fain to hire a Rat because he did not love the Trade of Preaching 't was so tedious to him And Dr. Diggle his Successor is as able for the work as Cox was who tells the people before Sermon Ye ought to pray for this and that but cannot pray himself If the Lord of Manner have two Sons he may make one of them a Priest and a Parsonage will be a good Portion for a younger Brother Or if he hath a Chamber-Maid who hath been his Servant divers years the Priest must take her and he shall have the Living for her Portion A Parson may buy the next Presentation of the Patron and if he have no Son that is capable of the place yet he may have a Daughter and though she be a Tapstress or a Sempstress yet she has right to make what Priest she pleases Parson of that Parish If a Papist be a Patron he may present what Priest he pleases So did the old Earl of Worcester who procured Holy Orders for the Clerk of his Iron-works and sent him to Woollaston in Glocestershire where the Earl slit the Parsonage in two pieces making his Clerk contented with fourty and keeping fourscore for himself But 't is conceived the Priest was of his Patrons Religion and only read our English Mass-Book but never attempted to say Sermon in all his Life The present Bishop of Glocester's last Predecessor Dr. Goodman a confest Papist bestowed a Stock of Holy Orders upon his old Servant Charles Harcott who married the Clark of the Iron-work's Daughter and drives a service-Service-Book Trade to this day The old Lord Windsor being Patrimus to the late Dr. Warmstrey at his Kirsning gave him the Parsonage of Hampton in Glocestershire So that the Doctor had a Call e Cunabulis from his Cradle And such are the Calls to the Ministry of the Church of England which are Romano more after the manner of the Church of Rome Wife But Husband how are Ministers called according to Magna Charta Husb. Wife The least Officer in the Church was not to be made choice of without Prayer though it were but a Deacon which was to look after the Poor When Judas fell by Transgression the Church went to Prayer and cast Lots and the Lot fell on Matthias And so when they had fasted and prayed they laid hands on St. Paul and Barnabas and sent them forth And though Paul had an extraordinary Call he went not forth till the Church sent him away with Fasting and Prayer But Wife I can give you a Book whose business it is to treat of the Discipline of the Churches of the New Testament which will save me a great Labour Wife But Husband that Government wont consist with these times Husb. Wife Must the will of Christ submit to the times or the times submit to the will of Christ I think I have stitch'd you there Wife And is not this the ground of all our present Differences For the Eyes of the Nation being so much opened by the preaching of the Gospel these late years the Worship and Clergy of the Church of England are rendred contemptible in the Eyes of the Common People As may appear by One who coming into the Cathedral of Glocester with two of his Companions and hearing the Organs play fell a Dancing saying Come let 's Dance here 's Good Musick And when the Organs stood still Play on Good Fellows said he I like your Musick well 't is good Musick And they have oftentimes been prodigiously disturbed in their Worship by Hens Magpies Owles Cocks Foxes Piggs Rats and Birds concerning each of which take a relation as followeth I was told in the County of Somerset that a Hen coming into the publick Place flew upon the Common-Prayer Book in the time of their Devis'd Worship At Wilby in Northamptonshire a Hen flew into the Publick Place and sat down checkling upon the Common-Prayer Book And shit upon it and
ROOM FOR THE Cobler of Gloucester AND HIS WIFE With several Cartloads of Abominable Irregular pitiful stinking Priests AS ALSO A Demonstration of their Calling after the manner of the Church of Rome but not according to Magna Charta the Rule of the Gospel Whereunto is Added A PARALLEL Between the Honour of a Lord Bishop and the Honour of a COBLER the COBLER being proved the more Honourable Person Printed for the Author 1668. The Epistle Dedicatory To my Dear and Loving Wife WIFE in my Epistles to my two former Books I was very large the Porch was too big for the House you shall have that fault mended in this and I shall only intreat you to accept of the Dedication of it not knowing any Person whom I love more than your self nor any to whom I am more indebted Thus in few words I take my leave and rest Your Assured Loving Husband R. Wallis Room for the Cobler of Gloucester and his Wife WIfe being willing to have a little more discourse with you I think it not amiss if we and our Children sing a Tantrum Wife What do you mean by a Tantrum Husband Husb. Wife I borrow that word of a Welchman who made this request to his wife Market thee go me to Quire Einsome and hear my Poy Ropin sing two three Tantrums from whence in Herefordshire they call Anthems Tantrums To the Tune of Room for Cuckolds It will be thought a strange tune but it will be as suitable to us as the tune of Tory Rory Betty which they plaid upon their Organs at Oxford A sweet Tantrum Room for Prelates here comes a Company Room for Prelates and ev'ry Coat-Card Arcbishops and Bishops Archdeacons and Deans Room for Prelates and for the Black Guard Cathedrals and Chapters with Authems and Raptures And all the Hierarchical Rabble With all of that sort that make as good sport In the Chore as a Fool with his Babble Priests Patrons and Rectors with all such Church-Hectors Which in the wide Synagogue roar it Clerks Curates and Viccars that drink off all Liquors And then bid their Hostesses score it Prebends and Chanters and Choristers Ranters That sing by the Rule of Sol Fa Officials and Doctors and Chanc'lors and Prectors And room for Et caetera Room for the chief Singers that with foot and fingers Do bleat it like Oxen and Calves For Priest and for Clark that grope in the dark And sing all their Catches by halves Those Lack-Latin Drones and Learned Sir Johns That dash it with Blur and with Blot Surrogates Registers Notaries Paritors And all the Knaves of a Knot Bellmen and Sextons with whom we were vext once That live by digging and begging With all the Church-Rabble belonging to Babel That run just like Witches a hagging Exorcists with Crosses which come to our losses And leave poor Souls in the lurch By which men are scar'd to run with the Herd For comp'ny as Dogs go to Church By night and by day at small Games they play Pick Peter-Pence rather than fail Brave Merechants they are of great and small Ware And will deal from the Head to the Tail Room for Physitians of Rome's Inquisitions And all that 's grown over with moss Room for Confession and holy Procession And the Devil that carries the Cross Room for Prelates and for their company Room for Prelates and for their Spawn Room for Dumb Dogs and all Croaking Frogs And Vermin hid under the Lawn Room for Prelates here comes a Company All Brethren o' th' Black Robe and Region That with the Herd run as right as a Gun Like Pigs possest with a Legion Wife Husband you know that you and I have had some Discourses formerly but among others two especially one was by the fire as many times poor folks do the second was when we went to bed for want of Coals and Candles we thought no hurt to any yet you see what came of it you were a Prisoner first in Westminster and brought before Noble Persons at White Hall four Sessions you lay Prisoner in Newgate once in Bristol four Assizes at the Bar in Glocester once before the Lord Winsor and in all Courts of Judicature and persons before whom you have been you have been blamed still for disparaging and disgracing the Kings Clergy and the Kings Ministry I could willingly ask you some Questions privately but I would not have you speak so loud that all England may hear you I would willingly whisper a word in your Ear. Husb. And I shall as willingly answer you Wife provided that you do not ask me any red hot Questions which if you do I shall be afraid to answer you for fear of burning my Lipps Wife Husband I would have you be as careful as I am and then I dare warrant you there will no hurt come of it What was their meaning by saying you did disgrace the Kings Clergy How did you disgrace them Husb. Wife Because I brought some of them upon the Stage for their base fordid Carriage as Drunkenness Swearing Whoring and the like My answer was to them that they did more disgrace the Kings Government by Acting such things then I did by Speaking of it But Wife I can tell you of such a parcel of Fellows which still disgrace the Kings Government and Ministry as they call it Wife In your last Book Husband you told me that you had six times ten which you would Load another time what kind of fellows were they Husb. Wife for your satisfaction I 'll tell you Let the Cart be set nearer We will begin with the Pillars of the Church And First of all with my Lord Arch-Bishop of Canterbury that Titularly Spiritual and Practically Carnal Father and his irreverend unbeseeming words Who when he went to visit a young Lady of his Acquaintance that had been newly Married Addressed himself to her in words to this effect Madam are you with Child She answered No my Lord. The Arch-Bishop replied Then Madam you cannot be saved for Women are only to be saved in Child-bearing But Madam are you willing to be with Child saith the Arch-Bishop Do you do your best in order to it The Lady replies She could be glad of a Child Then said the Arch-Bishop you may be saved God will accept of the Will for the Deed Here is a Cobling piece of Divinity puts me down quite Here my Lord turns Cobler What Metropolitanus primus totius Angliae turn Cobler I could willingly bestow two or three Stitches on him to set him upright But I doubt it will be but lost labour he 's gone so much aside But what will become of all Barren Women in this case Why their comfort is That if they do but desire to have Children they may be saved The Bishop of Worcester at a Visitation in Warwick the last Summer in his Speech to the Clergy affirms That all Children Baptized are undeniably saved And that The presence of Christ in the Sacrament is not symbolical but
the name of the Virgin Mary as he doth at the name of Jesus and doth not onely bow thrice at his going to the Altar and thrice at his return from the Table set Altar-wise but also teacheth that adoration is due when the holy Mysteries are absent and that it is as lawful to worship the Altar as for the woman that touched the hem of his Garment to worship Christ and as it was in the Revelations to worship before the Throne and that he hath denied the Cup to those unto whom he gave the Bread and hath often preached That if a Child die being baptised it is undoubtedly saved but if it die before it is baptised undoubtedly damned Thomas Johnson of Newington-Thistle in the Country of Salop it is as I take it affirmed That the King had done more in pardoning the Rebels than God either would or could do Mr. Moore of Leak in the County of Leicester swore in the Chequer on the behalf of a young Gentleman Mr. Thomas Smith but the business being referr'd to a Trial at Leicester he swore on the behalf of Mr. Hyland the adverse party The said Mr. Moore being at a Knights house in Nottingham where there was a man that personated a Jesuite he enquired what Gentleman that was it was told him he was a Jesuite the people all with-drew leaving Mr. Moore and this supposed Jesuite together Mr. Moore courteously salutes him telling him that he had a great respect for men of his Order and that there might be a better correspondency between them were that obstruction of the Law removed Wife part of these before spoken of we may save the labour to lay them on the Cart but send them to Black wall and ship them for Rome And now Wife we have another sort to carry and they for their parts may be sent over into Germany to that Bishop of Mentz that Luther speaks of in the beginning of his Colliquies where he tells us That at a Diet at Ausbourg which is a Convention of Princes the Bishop of Mentz took up a Bible which lay upon the Table and having read two or three leaves in it asked what book it was One of the Princes told him 't was the Bible The Bible said the Bishop I cann't tell what Book 't is but I 'm sure here 's that which makes against us Wife as wife as this Bishop will our next Load be And the first man in this Cart shall be Mr. Blundal of Worcester who told some friends of his of some hard questions which the Dean put forth to himself and three other Ministers What questions were they said his friend He ask'd us said Blundal How we could prove that there was a God And I can tell you said he we were never so put to 't in our lives You should said his friend have made use of that Scripture in Rom. 2. For the invisible things c. That we did man said Blundal and that would not do neither What shift did you make then said his friend He answered We were fain to beg longer time of him But how came you off at last said his friend How said he Why we met with an old Author and made his words ours and so we came off at last but I can tell you we had much ado first O that ever four men should profess to be Ministers of the Gospel and yet not able to prove that there was a God! A Maid in the City desired Mr. Blundal to maket it out to her how he could prove himself a Minister of the Gospel Said he Come to me next day when I am in my Pratling-Box and I 'll tell thee There is as I was informed at Worcester within eight miles of the City an old man who never said Sermon in all his life and hath been blind a great while but an able man for reading common Prayer and serves a Curacy and gets a little Boy to read the Chapters See what an able Ministry here is The Bishop of Worcester lately Ordained one Mr. Moore sometime a Lievtenant in the late war he is a distracted man And getting up into the Pulpit at Burford he read a Psalm and then said Here 's a Psalm I can commend to you my Grandfather taught it my Father my Father taught it his Children I would have you teach it your with other words to this effect and then concluded thus But the weathers very cold and I have a pretty good stomach to my Dinner and therefore I 'll come down into the Pew and read a few Prayers and then you shall go home and we 'll leave the rest till another time Mr. Piper of Chomly a man in holy Orders was Ordained by the Bishop of Worcester what his Calling was I know not though some say a Fidler but I cannot affirm the truth of it he starved at Chomly Some of his old companions getting him into a Cellar in an Alehouse would there have him exercise his Gifts where he staid so long that he could hardly get up the stairs And having read Evening Prayer on a Sunday as they call it he went to refresh his tired spirits at an Alehouse not far off where he continued some time at last as he himself confesseth he went to an Holly-Tree or Holly-Bush to make water and certain Frogs appeared and transcrub'd him through the Holly-Bush and carried him to a place called The Green way and there set him down and up with him again and carried him to a Village called The Rock and set him down in the Church-yard and up with him again and brought him and fet him down in the High-way in the dirt and thence his wife came and fetch'd him home And yet in the judgment of charity some think he lay drunk under a Hedge or in a Ditch all the while At Marshfield in Gloucester shire one of the Parishioners came to the Priest desiring him to speak with a poor woman who had lately buried her Daughter being her only Child for which she was exceedingly grieved and desired him to speak as comfortably as he could to her and if it were possible by his counsel he might help to support her drooping spirit at last they met together and the woman began to relate her grief and telling in what manner her Daughter lay linguishing in her sickness the Priest said Could not you blow wind in her Arse Which was all he would say to her One Mr. Giles Thornbury a Prebend coming to visit a Gentlewoman that was sick she desired him to pray with her but not common but conceived Prayer He answered That he could pray no other but common Prayer Can you tell said the Gentlewoman who can pray any other prayer None that I know said he in VVorcester but VVill. VVarwick The Parson of Shorditch near London meeting the Curat of Bishopsgate asked him how he did Who complaining of the hard service that he was put to the day before in preaching twice said
he was not very well Why quoth Shorditch that 's the easiest thing in the world or words to that effect But says Bishopsgate Do you then Read Prayers No quoth Shorditch I don't Read Prayers There 's the Devil on 't quoth Bishopsgate I Read Prayers too So much for this Cartload of ignorant Sots which with many of our Bishops and Doctors those Reverend Fathers I shall refer to a Book of my Brother How the Cobler for further instruction Our next Load shall be Cheaters And we will begin with two Swop-Souls One Mr. Dale of Stanlat five miles from Abingdon in the County of Berks the other Mr. Ingram of Longworth four miles from Abingdon whose Living by estimation was worth 200 l. per annum This Mr. Dale had a Living likewise in York-shire worth as was said 400 l. per ann These two Parsons met together and after some acquaintance each with other to trading they fall about swopping of Livings and Souls Dale will part with his Living in Yorkshire of 400 l. per annum for Ingrams of Longworth though but 200 l. because of the conveniency of it being near Stanlat Ingram buys a Pig in a Poke and like a good fellow takes the others word resigns his Living to Dale and goes down into York-shire to see his bargain but when he came there he found it a poor barren cold Country and not worth above 80 l. per annum Ingram returns again exclaiming against Dale and the better to be revenged on him would have the young men make a Play of it and call it The Divine Cheat. Mr. William Coulbourn Parson of Melcomb Regis in Dorcetshire adjoyning to VVeymouth and Parson of Sudbury in the County of Suffolk about 150 miles distant from Melcomb Regis going to the Bishop of Norwich for a License to preach the Bishop granted him a License being a man of great parts and particularly a good Orator and one in good esteem and much admired by all true Sons of the Church In his Journey home from Norwich he was guilty of a gross miscarriage the relation whereof take as followeth As he went from Norwich to Sudbury his occasions led him about twenty miles out of the way to a Town called Holt in the County of Norfolk where going by the Name of Mr. VVilliams he went to an Apothecaries in the Town and would have changed some Gold for Silver only desired that he might deliver the Gold sealed up in a Box but the Apothecary refused to trade with him upon those terms telling him he should have his Silver loose and so he would have his Gold Whereupon they parted and Mr. Williams goes to one Francis Games a Mercer in the Town pretending to buy some Stuffs and Silks of him to the value of fourteen or fifteen pounds then after they had agreed as to price he told him that he could not pay him at present but set a day wherein he would send his man to pay for what he had bought and to fetch the Stuffs and withall he told him he had one request to him which was that he would let him have 20 l. in Silver and he would leave him 20 l. in Gold as a pawn for it and that when he sent his man for the Stuffs he would send money to redeem his Gold Upon these terms Games helped him to 20 l. But Mr. Williams desired that in regard the money was given him by a special friend for whose sake he was unwilling it should be changed Mr. Games would give way to the sealing of it up in a Box which Mr. Games assented unto and it was accordingly done and when the Gold was sealed up in the Box the Box was set down upon the Table and as it 's conceived whilst they were taking a Pipe of Tobacco he slipped that Box into his pocket and set another upon the Table just like it sealed up as that was At parting he desired Games that when he sent him the 20 l. he would send him the Box sealed up as it was After he was gone out of the Town the Apothecary came to see Games and after some discourse about Mr. Williams told him it was a Cheat Games told him it could not be a Cheat for he saw the Gold put into the Box whereupon the Apothecary snatched the Box out of his hand and opening it there was nothing in it but a piece of Lead and Pindust Upon which making enquiry which way he was gone they followed him to Fakenham where he was endeavouring to play the like prank Understanding him to be there they went to a Justice of Peace one Mr. Clifton fetched a Warrant and brought him before the Justice and upon examination he confessed that his Name was VVilliam Coulbourn He was tried at the Sessions and fined fourteen pounds to the King He also lent a Butcher 60 l. and taking Bond for it professed it was burnt by accident and desired the Butcher to give him another telling him withall That he would lend him 20 l. more and take a Bond for 80 l. which was accordingly done and the former Bond not being burnt be hath two Bonds for one sum of Money He also perswaded a young man to borrow money and give a Bond written with white Ink which in a weeks time would not be seen With many other things of the like nature which would take up a sheet of Paper to recite But because the Cart's already heavy loaden I shall pass them by and away with this Load to the Pillory And now Wife we must load one among another Drunkards and Whoremongers Mr. Ashton the Parson of St. Andrews in Hartford and Mr. Manning a Tanner meeting together at the Bull in Bishopsgate-street London went and drank together first in the Bull-Cellar until the Parson was almost blind and from thence they went to several places till at length he had got his full dose He was to have gone home in the Coach but so loved his company and his good Liquor that he prevailed with the Coachman to leave him a horse because he must go home to preach at the Funeral of the Mayor of Hartford on the morrow and so late at night they set forward towards Hartford but being so exceeding drunk he fell off his Horse several times but at last the poor Beast as disdaining to carry him farther ran away home and left him to shift for himself but his companion Mr. Manning taking more pity of him set him upon his own Horse and led him but yet he could not fit the Horse for Mr. Manning going a little aside to escape the dirt not far from the Towns end down falls the Parson again in the dirt and away runs the Tanners Horse home His Wife hearing the Horse coming in called her man to rise and let his Master in and take care of the Horse the man rising and going out found nothing but the Horse and telling his Mistriss that the Horse was come but not his Master
Wife If all our Chancellors were Babers and all our Prebends Viners it would be more for their credit Wife I cannot yet tell that Bishops name But I hope I shall give you an account of it shortly who entered one that was a Barber into Holy Orders and being told that he had formerly been Arrainged for Sheep-stealing he replied I had rather see a Sheep-stealer in the Pulpit than a Presbyterian And now Wife Let 's compare these Porrige-Priests with our Ejected Ministers and see what a vast difference there is between them The former guilty of all the afore-mentioned Abominations the latter free from all just suspicion of such things even in the Iudgment of their very Enemies And if that Kiss which the Great Constantine gave to the hollow of Paphnutius's Eye lost for the sake of Christ be justly reckoned amongst the Trophies of his honour how illustrious would it render his Majesty both to the present and succeeding Ages to give Liberty to those who are as Instruments in the hand of Christ to open eyes of the Blind Wife But Husband I hope all these Cartloads have no relation to the best of our honest Conformists Husb. Yes Wife they 're all Brethren Members of the Mystical Body these Swearing Cheating Ignorant Drunken Whoring Priests are all their Brethren as much as those that both beshit and piss'd their Breeches Pews and Pulpits Why Wife do you think the honest Conformists you speak of will disown their Arch Spiritual Father Canterbury their Swearing Father Lichfield and Coventry or their Papistical Father Worcester and the rest of that Mungrel Crew They can never be true Sons of the Church if they disown these Fathers Wife But Husband after all your Cartloads what do you think of the Body of this Clergy Husb. Why Wife many of them of the old Topers are like the old Boots and Shooes which we Coblers do Vamp they have many of them new Soles new Preferments three or four Livings and Prebendaries but the old Leather is still the same onely now they drink Sack whereas Ale before would liquor the Boots very well A Lady asked one of them some years since Where they had all been during the time they were turned out of their Livings He answered We have lain among the Pots abusing the Scripture To which the Lady answered I thought so by your Red Noses But indeed Wife there are but two small Objections against them two little Faults in our Clergy-men Wife What are those two Exceptions Husband Husb. Why they can neither Preach nor Pray otherwise they are as well qualified both for Drinking and Swearing and some other Vertues that you and I must not talk aloud of as any that ever came out of the Popes Belly Wife Pray Husband what do you think is the true reason why the People are so generally set against the Bishops Husb. Truly Wife I 'll tell thee As they all see they do no good and have no care of their Souls so their business is to vex and torment the people under them by their Appariters summoning them to their Courts that they cannot be quiet in their Callings nor at their Ploughs I am informed by such as have heard it from those that know it That three thousand at one time stood summoned at the Bishop of Lincoln's Court Wife this is one great reason of the miserable poverty that is in every Country I tell thee Wife if our Gracious King would but take theirs and the old Droans of Deans and Prebends Lands into his hands to defray the Publick Charge of the Kingdom the whole Body of the People would keep a Jubilee for it Wife Husband let me ask you one question more What do you find is the reason why the Non-Conformists will not comply with the Bishops Husb. The reason is plain because they cannot say the old Mumpsimus the service-Service-Book which I have told you before is word by word the old Mass-Book in another Tongue one Pope making one part of it and his Successors the rest Now they can pray better than the Popes can teach them but as for our Clergy-Sâ—â—s if their Books should be burnt there must be no praying And secondly the Non-Conformists cann't swallow the Old Whores painted silly Ceremonies because by the Bishops own Confession they are not Written So that their great sin is that they can Pray and Preach without an old mouldy mass-Mass-Book and would worship as God commands them which makes the people to be generally for them Wife I hope then Husband the King will give them their liberty to Preach to satisfie his People Husb. I will tell thee a true story Wife for you know I read Histories In the Kingdom of Persia about the year 500. the Magitian-Priests such as ours came to the King and told him that there was a voice heard in one of the Temples from under ground That if he gave liberty to the Christians in his Kingdom he would certainly be destroyed Which the King believing a wise Man went to him and desired him to go and hear the voice and then to search under ground if there were not a person there which the King did and found a Priest in a hollow place which spake and so the cheat was discovered Iust such an Oracle is the Priests counsel now But Wife Pray Husband stay there I think you have said enough for a Cobler Husb. No Wife I have something else to say yet which is That the Bishops perswade my King Charles the Government of the Church is laid upon his Shoulders and that they will study the Truth and he shall maintain it But seriously Wife if God the Father had seen that any Migistrate on Earth or all the Angels in Heaven had been capable of so great a care and trust he had never laid it upon the shoulders of his own Son For the Prophet Isaiah tells us The Government shall be upon His Shoulders and the Apostle tells us We have one Law-giver and but one Christ Jesus So that if Christ Iesus be that one Law-giver then my King has no Power to make Laws for the Conscience to bind men to what form of Wonhip the Bishops please But what they are not able to make good by Scripture they would have my King make good by his Laws and so make him their Sword-Bearer which is none of his work and so I would tell him if I might have admission to his presence But Kings and Coblers are no meet Companions Wife But Husband I have heard you say That the Ministers of the Church of England are not called according to Magna Charta Pray how then are they called Husb. Why Wife as the Pear-monger when his Pears are green puts them into hot Horse-dung to ripen them apace so first the Bishop of the Diocess enters men into holy Orders which holy horse-dung Orders makes them ripen as fast for the Ministry as the Pears do for the Market And this entring them into holy
flew away again And the next Lords Day doing the like again she there lost her life At Norwich the Dean being preaching and among many other things uttering these words That some men made Prayers of an Ell-long which were of no Divine Institution An Owl flew over his head and hem'd him up with a note of Admitation crying Hoo hoo hoo The Dean of Hereford being in his Sermon and having hang'd up his Canonical Cap upon a Pin in the Pulpit a Magpie flew into the Pulpit and never gave over Frisking and Whisking till he had thrown it down and afterwards came and sat down by him and he civily put him away with his hand Another Magpie came into the Publick place with red Stockins on and a red Collar about his Neck and sat down by the Priest who was also in his red Hood reading Devis'd Service Richard Stevens of Nurent having been at a Cock-fighting at Gloucester and going into the Cathedral with the Cocks in a Bag upon his arm the Singing-men being at their Worship invited him into the Chore and when the Choristers began to sing his Cocks began to Crow But which Service was most acceptable the Cocks or the Coxcombs I leave to better Iudgments to determine I was told by an honest Quaker That one Parson Bomfield near Yarmouth going to Dine with a Friend of his in the next Village stole a Cock by the way and put it in his Breeches and that the Cock fell a crowing in the Parsons Breeches as he sat at Dinner with his Friend At Norwich a Fox came into the Publick Place in the time of their Worship probably to find some Prey there but seeing they were only Wolves in Sheeps cloathing he departed and the like he did at Gloucester Wife You know what Goodwife Edwards told you about her Sow That having been admonished to keep her Sow at home she could not for her life when the Bell toll'd but away would the Sow run to their Worship Mr. Marley Preaching at Norwich upon this Text Behold an Israelite indeed in whom there is no guilt and saying the Conformists were the true Israelites at that word a Sow came into Publick Place and standing before the Pulpit grunted out Woogh woogh woogh whereupon the Parson repeated his Sentence again and the Sow replied in the like manner for which he is by the Inhabitants thereabouts Surnamed Hog-Marley Two Pigs coming into the Cathedral of Norwich near the Eagle in the time of Worship they endeavoured to drive them away but the Pigs would not go and so they were forced to carry them out And their Owner being warned to keep them at home shut theminto a Yard but the Pigs leaping over the Pales which were as high as a Dog could ordinarily leap over ran to the Cathedral the second time in the time of Worship and were again fain to be carried out And the Owner of the Pigs being again warned and threatned was fain to kill them not knowing how to keep them at 〈◊〉 These were the first that ever suffered Martyrdom for coming to hear Common-Prayer I think Wife 't is needless to mention the Rats that eat the Leather off of the Organs at Gloucester and made the Common-Prayer go down without Musick for almost a quarter of a year together because the Church was so indulgent towards them that they were never Excommunicated Wife I am sure you know Dr. Horwood our Neighbour Mr. Jones formerly of Easton-gray in Willtshire told me the following story of him That about the beginning of the late Troubles Dr. Horwood being preaching at Maries in Oxford and in his Sermon blaming the Rusticity of those that were against the Bishops and magnifying the then Government of the Church a Bird sat upon the Canopy of the Pulpit and shit in his mouth or rather said Mr. Jones upon the corner of his Cheek which ran down into his Mouth I and Dodderige said he sat under the Pulpit and saw him take his Handkerchief and wipe it out of his mouth Which proved very Ominous for suddenly after the Bishops had a fall Now if as Tertullian tells us not a hair from a Saints head nor a bristle from a Sows back falls to the ground without the will and pleasure of God Surely then these things afore-mentioned ought not to pass unrainded by us But Wife I formerly made you a Promise to shew you wherein a Cobler was more honourable than a Lord Bishop and I think I had best perform it now A Cobler is ab antiquo ever since Shooes were made of Leather and he is a Gentleman of the Gentle Craft The LORD Bishop is but from William the Conqueror and their honour was damnatus antequam natus condemn'd before t was born as they profess themselves Ministers And a Magistrate professing himself to be Christs Substitute cannot confer true honour where his Master has prophibited it His honour must be a natura ex merito or ab officio From nature it cannot be for so every man is as good as he and as for their desert were it not for the Kings favour the Multitude would do by them as the Prentices did by the Whores in Moor-fields and set them up against the Walls for Dogs to p at Nor can their honour arise from their Office as Prelates which is to persecute for so they are Whelps of old Lilly that Bitch-Whore and some of the first Litter the Devil was their Sire and they are as like him as ever they can look they have Dad's own Nose from him they learn to persecute like Nimrod The Cobler lives by his honest labour and seeks not to be burdensom to his Brethren and part of his Livelihood is by paring of old Shooes The Lord Bishop is much like that Hog that when some Children were eating Milk out of a Dish that stood upon a Stool thrust his Snowt into the Dish and drank up all not regarding the Children who cryed Take a Poon Pig take a Poon So these hungry Hogs though they have hundreds nay thousands per annum must have Procurations Synodals and Pentecostals from their poor Brethren Procurations to bear their Charges when they ride a Vexation which was decreed by Pope Boniface and other Popes Synodals had their rise from the Offerings which were brought at the Dedication of Churches The Pentecostals are Pentecost-Farthings arising from the Oblations which were brought by the Parents of such Children as were baptized which was then onely at Whitsomide as that great Antiquary Mr. John Stevens in his Book de Procurat shews All which are as base as to use the Country Proverb the parings of the Divils 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 The Cobler is always mending and making better The Lord Bishop is always marring and making worse The Cobler endeavours to set men upright The Lord Bishop turns them aside to Superstitious Vanities The Cobler hath more Love and Honour in his Country than the Lord Bishop When Ralph the Cobler comes to our Town pray send him to our house says the Countryman But when the Lord Bishop goes a Vexation they never say Pray send Him to our Town The Cobler will be in Request while Men are born with Feet The Lord Bishop with the whole Litter of Romish Whelps are already quite out of request with the generality of the NATION And for true Spiritual Wisdom and Learning I may send the best of them to my Brother How the Cobler Vpon whose Book Intituled The Sufficiency of the Spirits teaching One long since wrote the following Verses What How How now Hath How such Learning found To throw Arts Curious Image to the Ground Oxford and Cambridge may their Glory now Vail to a Cobler if they knew but How Though big with Art they cannot over-top The Spirits Teaching in a Coblers Shop Reader if thou a humane Artist be Let Humane Learning be no Judge for thee But leave thy Arts and try this Coblers End And see if it be by the Spirit penn'd Mean time adieu ye Arts and Artists all The Spirits Teaching may attend the Aull And thou brave Cobler Blow another Blast Vpon their Learning though thou Blow thy Last Husb. ANd now Wife I have made this Piece ready for the Press I must get you to go to Madam Bennet's and get a Lady or two of hers to go with you to my Lord of Canterbury's to get it Licensed Wife Pray Husband don't ask me to do such a thing I 'll hear a better Report of my Lady Bennet and my Lord of Canterbury too before I 'll go near either of them License it your self if you will Husb. Why then Wife since you are so coy of your Credit I 'll e'en do it my self and save you a labour PErlegi hunc Tractatum cui titulus Room for the Cobler of Gloucester and his Wife In quo nihil reperio veritati aut malis mâ—ribus contrarium Imprimatur Ralph Wallis