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A53929
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Advice to Balam's ass, or, Momus catechised in answer to a certaine scurrilous and abusive scribler, one John Heydon, author of Advice to a daughter / by T.P., Gent.
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Pecke, Thomas, b. 1637.
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1658
(1658)
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Wing P1039; ESTC R7861
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22,600
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69
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whither you are that better Man that besiedged and tooke a Towne I 'le not dispute However without question since you wrote this Excellent Piece the Towne hath beene your owne STUDY Para. 1. Here Hee complaines of the losse of those times which I could wish I had not known Mr. Osburn complaines of losing the Advantage of his most docil time but you see our Author loves not Learning so well as to thinke his most docil time worth taking notice of Then he runs from the Sence of his Antagonist and lends his Daughter an Use of Instruction which he borrowed himselfe 2 I believe our much use of Srong Beer and grosse flesh is a great occasion of dregging our Spirits and corrupting them till they shorten life You may believe him for Experientia docet Ebrios aequè ac Stultos Experience is the Mistresse of Ale-adorers as well as of Fooles And those grosser fumes corrupting the Spirits are the probable cause why his Stile is so languishing and Booke-short-Liv'd Weigh every Mans Education as his meanes have been If you were as Rationall in every thing as in this you had saved me the trouble of Animadversions It is indeed in vaine to expect the modestly-blushing-Roses and the dapled Gilliflowres vapouring with their double and treble diadems in an incultivated Field which an affected neglect of the despairing Tenant hath dedicated to Bryars Nettles and the contemptible production of Thorns and Thistles 3 Besides if I must describe a meer Scholler he is an Intelligible Asse or a silly Eellow in Black Must I must Sir Thomas Overbury you should have said from whom without so much as mention of his Name you impudently steale a whole Leafe See over Character of a meere Scholler 4 There is no Syntax betwixt a Cap of Maintenance and an Helmet What 's the reason but because most Men like Hacknyes can't endure to goe out of their Usuall Road for if a Scholler durst as well read the lines Engraven in Men's Foreheads as those written in Cassick Authors He being not only Gold Ore as he is a Scholler but refined Gold as having learn'd to exchange Probo quod Non. a contradictory humour into Sir I kisse your Hand a Politick and Submissive complyance would become fit to receive the impresse of supream Authority Being Stampt with Honour on the forepart and bearing on the Ranverse Regall Favour and Munificency 5 Here he fancies the Habit of the Iesuites This is without controversie that what is exemplarily good may and ought to be followed let whose will be the Professours Even pur-blinde Pagans and the more barbarous Turks And although some Fellowes of Colledges have more Pride than Learning yet since they are as petty Magistrates their Place commands Reverence from Inferiours 6 Here he would have his Son make some inspection into Physick c. It is implanted in all Men by Nature to desire long life And consequently his Society must be acceptable who is supposed a fit Embassadour to perswade a League betwixt the four Elements that they may unanimously concurre in resisting Death their common and Fatal Enemie The seventh is tollerable 8 Idle Bookes like you Naturall Knave and Artificiall Dissembler are nothing else but corrupted Tables in Ink and Paper What still more of the Beere-Warders Dialect I must confesse your foul-mouth'd Thunderbolts can't be retorted For you are no Naturall Knave although a Naturall Foole and you are no Artificiall Dissembler although you be an In-artificiall Slanderer and so long you are safe Our Law makes no difference betwixt the Thiefe and the Receiver Ans. Then wo be to them who buy your Bookes where there is so much stoln His foolish Sentences dropt upon Paper in his Advice to a Son hath set folly on an Hill and is a Monument to make Women infamous Eternally I Answer They are wise Sentences but onely when they stand in competition for the Garland with yours But without an Ironie I take leave to suspect you looked through the Vitiated Medium of your own stupendious Ignorance when you saw his Folly upon an Hill for if it were so evident some other should have seene it as well as you And if it be folly Te ipso Iudice it is as long liv'd as the greatest Wisdom for it is an Eternall Monument although not to make Women infamous 9 Would you know what kinde of Stuffe this is It is all his owne and that 's a very punctuall Answer 10 This is full of very significant Expressions Mr. Cleeveland is huge happy that he hath so much worth the borrrowing by such a Learned Author 12 He adviseth his Son to converse with the wits of the Towne to refine his Spirit better than Bookes He speakes of no wits in the Towne but saith Good Company is a better refiner of the Spirits than Ordinary Bookes Good Sir be a little more honest in citing your Author 13 Of the Advice to a Son Propose not them for patterns who make all places rattle where they come with Greek and Latin Now marke Heydon's Inference I should believe him a foolish Jugler that sprinkles his words in any vulgar Tongue against the Lawfull Magistrate Ecclesiasticall or Civill A Rare Commentator you don't blame them who murmur against a Magistrate ay and against a Lawfull Magistrate so it be but in an unknown Tongue 14 Arm Arm The Advice to a Son speaks Treason against the Majesty of our Rosa-Crucian and yet you never regard it He affirmes no Thiefe The Genius of a Plagiary is sufferable who comes not off like a Lacedemonian without discovery 16 Here he commends Iohn Cleeveland What plaine Iohn your fellow but let that passe towards the latter end He insinuates want of Study makes fugitive Divines like Cowards to run away from their text He is an expert Disciple of theirs and loves dearly to run quite away from the Subject he undertakes The 18 is nothing to the purpose yet we will allow Sir Tho. Over. Paradox to be witty 19 He that reads the Fathers shall finde them written as it were with a Crisped Pen Although this be true I suppose I may passe without being branded as censorious if I Judge the Languages the Fathers are written in no very intimate acquaintance of Mr. Iohn Heydon's 23 This is the Author of Advice to a Son that goes to Sermons onely to shew his Gay Cloathes It is very unjust that the Accuser should be Judge but I 'le grant you an Admirable Chymist if you can extract Pride out of this Advice Weare your Cloathes neat But it is no Prodigy if an Author be Injuriously interpreted on whom Ignorance and Malice are Scholiasts Here is almost an other Leafe stoln from Sir Tho. Overburie's Charact. of a Proud Man 26 To the Father advising his Son not to Gallop through a Towne He replyes thus Why so A Party may be riding post upon Life and Death and then it is but being carefull and there is no danger Who can forbeare adoring this Mans
a remarkable Notion I am none of the Greatest Strangers to Latin and English Poetry and yet I thinke the last Verse was longer than Parnassus by halfe a foot But least you should fall too much in Love with Our Authors Muse Pray lend your View to this Elegant Prose To his Daughter Daughter I have forborne to set your Name on the fore-head of these Aphorismes not that I am ashamed of either of them or you You ashamed of your Aphorismes No 't is enough for the Stationer and Reader to be so Make but your Daughter as Brazen-faced as her Father And if any of her Uncles the Chymists take like their Coryphaeus Friar Bacon Send Her to them And they shan't need watch three Weeks to heare A Brazen Head Speak But because your Enemy and his Sonne have done so before me If they have bin your Enemies No question but Gratitude will reconcile them to you since you are pleased to Honour them with an Imitation for which they are wonder fully beholding First we give to all the Vertues the Habits and Visages of Women I hope you are so well Verst in Axioms as to understand Nullū simile est Idem All is not Gold that Glisters And are not all the Furies also pourtraied like Women Iustice is naked and is it not fit that all the Sex should imitate such an excellent pattern and Mistresse Excellent advice surely your Father is the Key that unlocks Venus Cabinet By going Naked you 'l save A great Deale of Mony And though ve shall have no Pockets to put it in your Father with his will supply that defect And ye shall be sure not to want credit as long as your personall Estate is so Evident But how will ye reconcile going Naked with the Advice in the latter part of the Epistle Follow not Daughter their Fashion that uncover the chiefest parts of their Beauty As their Face Neck Brests and Hands as the Index of the more secret object Note ye must alwaies weare Masks Eate with your Gloves on Not hold up your Head for feare ye should shew your white Necks But since he would have you cover all parts let your Names be written upon your Brests Or for the satisfaction of your Acquaintance hire a Crier for a Gentleman-Usher that he may salute each passenger with O yes O yes here goes Madam such An One c. Really it would be a Riddle how to please your Father first ye should go Naked page 2 then all covered page 4 But that his worship is his owne Interpreter page 5. My Advice is to shew all or Nothing T is great pitty He is not chosen Major of Blomsbury or carnall Rector of St. Giles in the Fields Such Titles were More proper to such An Adviser than the Secretary of God and Nature page 3. Women uncloathed are all alike Yes as much as Venus and Hecube Alabaster and a Westphalia Gammon Man is the Consummation of the Creation The great Book of Nature was perfected by Man's Creation Only Woman was made Vice Corollarij as a Post-script or Appendix And Woman the Consummation of Man Nay Pray Iet Man be the consummation of Woman for reflect either upon the Admired pulchritude of the Body or excelling faculties of the Soule and what may glory of these but the Head How generall is the affection of Old Men to Women Well perhaps by continued practice they have at last obtain'd Vertue in Gradu Heroico in the highest exaltation And therefore now dare grapple with the worst of Evills If any Clumsy Old Doting Wittall c. You do well to furnish your Daughters with Complements I hope they 'le retort them upon their Father Although He is such An Eminent person for His writings that He who protests against the sufficiency of Them Adventures to make the Sun Stand Still and willfully goes about to Counsell his Master page 7. and 8. The World is full of Deceit And your Booke is not without For when I saw it first I charitably expected prudent Admonitions drawn by the Pencell of an Eximious Rhetorician but found A few frigid Conceptions distill'd in the Balneo Mariae of a Rosa-Crusians Noddle Beauty affords contentment But it is too feeble a foundation for a Wise Man to build his Felicity upon yet thus far I 'le accord with you as I once vented my Thoughts upon this Subject Beauty alone may for a time content But to my Bed a Vertuous Wife present Let Age or Sickness◠furrow her smooth Skin They cannot raise her Beauty that 's within I know there was much of Naked Truths in it If your Daughters would follow your Advice forecited page 2. they should also as wel as your Book shew much of the Naked Truth Your Loving Father c. You might have spared c. for every intelligible Person will ad an et caetera And so for this time we will say You writ this Epistle c. Advice to a Daughter Who is this that darkneth Knowledge by Words without understanding I answer Iohn Heydon Come thou Embrio of an History thou Cadet of a Pamphleteer Why thou Geoffrey in swabberslops thou little Negro mounted on the Elephant of thy owne Folly you and I will be sure to write something Authentick as long as we can steale from Mr. Cleeveland's Diurnall-Maker And now I thinke upon it I will allow thee time to Breath Bravely resolved a Noble Enemy is alwaies courteous It speaks like a Man c. Then by your own confession it is rational It is the first tincture and Rudiments of a Writer dipped as yet in the preparative Blew like an Almanack Well-willer Our Gentleman likes Mr. Cleeveland's entertainment so well that he is come againe for the other Dish and falls on like a most undaunted Plagiarie Send out an Hue and Crye and you will overtake him in Company of a Characteriz'd Diurnall-Maker Behold his directions c. Under the five generall Heads I will cut off and you will think him the Tripple-headed Porter of Hell Alas Sir that you should forget to make a Commentary in Folio upon this Mysticall Expression Your Enemies five Heads shall be cut off Ergo the leaving Him no Heads is the way to make him Tripple-Headed If Little David as you style your selfe stumbles thus upon Non-sence the Ladies may account it a sad Omen that their Champion may chance not to kill great Goliah I scorn to kill him I 'le onely box Bim Kick and Cudgell him for his boldnesse You scorn to kill him Oh shew me the like favour and let us both Live to make Panegyricks of your Clemency yet we are couragious Against your Cudgell wee 'le furbish our old rusty Back-sword and since you are Nettled you shall have leave to Kick And let him know he is the better Man who hath besiedged and taken a Towne not plotted to rob an Orchard The robbing of an Orchard was not attributed to the better Man but to the craftier Boy But