Of what Age is the Mogul What 's become of Teckely How fares all the Englishmen in those Parts Where lyes Prince Waldeck's Forces Of what Colour is the Great Cham's Beard What Tydings of Tyrconnel And such a Tempest of Inquisition that it almost shakes my patience in pieces To â—ase my self of all which I am forc'd to set Pen to Paper and let the several Volumes of my Rambles talk whilst I take my ease with silence which though they prove like a pratling Gossâ—p full of many words to small purpose yet this I 'll fay for this Third Volume That it is my Son Then shou'd I not be an hard-hearted Brute of a Father if I could be so cruel as to send him into the wide World without speaking so much as one good word for him and contains A Continuation of several rare Adventures relating to my Seven Years Prenticeship Philaret's Friendship A Countey-Life and my Project of Girdling the World c. able to make you smile away an hour or two under the greatest pressures either of Body or Mind and will as the learned S d has it Cure every curable Disease Now if this Volume alone will do such Wonders what think ye will the whole Work perform when finisht secing `twill contain A Little Library Or Compleat Help to Discourse upon all Occasions By the help whereof you may cross Rivers without Boat or Bridge boundless Seas without Ships and climb up Mountains without pains and go down without danger â—econcile the Future and the Present Tense see Asia in England Travel the Holy-Land and go to the Holy War with Mr. Fuller see the brave Baker defending Derryâ— the valiant Grafton beating the Irish the Electoral Princes storming Mentz and Bonn see the Grand Signior in the Seraglio Infallibility in his Grandeur and C bussing his Toe and with the wandring Knight Sir Francis Drake put a Girdle round the World On which daring Advenâ—ureâ— Wit thus pleasantly deâ—â—ants Drake who th`encompass'd Earth so fully knew And whom at once both Poles of Heaven did view Shou'd Men foget thee Sol câ—uld not forbear To Chronscle his Fellow-Traveller Would you see the Wars and Actions of the Roman Emperors you may here see them trend the Singe again with less cost and hazard than at first You may by the study of these Rambles live in all Ages see Adam in Eden sayl with Noah in the Ark sit and consâ—lt with Julius Caesar converse with Sâ—necâ— Plutarch and Horace conferr with all the wise Phâ—losophers go to School at Athens and with a free access hear all Disputes Thus Friend you see I make bold to imitate one Alexander of Greece who still as he went Dragooning about the World de scribed the Wandrings and as it were the Tom Coriatilm of his Expeditions But what need I go so far as Macedonia for a Pattern seeing we have so many Precedents at home One tells us in Octavo That he has been in Turkey another That he has been at Rome a third that he has bin in France And doâ—â—tless you my Friend will e`re long be telling the World 〈◊〉 Folio of your Travels to Hambrough Veâ—ice Japan and Greenland When a Fellew as the Wallagrophist further observes in his Britton delcrib`d hath a Maggoâ— in his Fate or a Breeze in his Tail that he cannot fix long in a place Or perhaps when he hath entituled himself by some Misdemeanors either to the Pillory or Gibbet to disinherit himself of his deserved right he â—â—irts into Holland or is transported into some Foreign Countrey where conversing a little while he thrusts into the World The History of his Adventures he varnisheth over his Banishment with the name of Travel and stiles that his Recreation which was indeed his Punishment and so dignifies a Ramble by the name of a Journey He tells what Wonderments have surprized him what fragments of Antiquity have amazed him what Structures have ravisht him what Hills have tired him In a word he is big with Descriptions and obliges you with the Narrative of all his Observations and Notices Seeâ—g every one almost that hath but untruâ—sâ—d in a Foreign Countrey will have his Voyage recorded and every Letter-Carrier beyond Sea would be thought a Drake or a Candish I thought with my self why may not I have the liberty of relating my Rambles and of communicating my Observations to Mankind It is sâ—id that Onme tulit punctum qui miscuit utile dulci If that be not done here yet it is an Essay of that kind being a mixture wherein with great variety things highly and daily useful aâ—e interwoven with delghtful Observations Now Friend if you by reaping in few Minutes the fruits of many Hours Travel shall receive any content I shall not only be satisfied for this but encouraged for a Fourth Volume and for ever to remain Your obliged Friend and Fellow-Traveller KAINOPHILVS A VOYAGE Round the World OR A Pocket-Library VOL. III. CHAP. I. Being a Continuation of several rare Adventures relating to ' Vander's Prenticeship impossible to be left out But first to the purpose Here Page bring me a Brimmer So so now I can write Rambles agen I 'M here to tell the Reader That the greedy World being in Post haste for the Second Volume of my Life I had not time to finish the Adventures of my Seven Years Prenticeship I shall therefore add what was wanting upon that Subject in this Third Volume as also several other things impossible to be left out and so reserve my Rambles a Wiving and the other things promised in the last Volume for the Subâ—ect Matter of another Book The continued History of my Life needs no preambulatory Discourses to render it Charming For 't is supposed the French Dutch Italians and in a word almost all Nations will welcome me into their Language The nicest Criticks allow me to be a pleasant Fellow and judge my Adventures may be read with as much Edification as my Countrey mens Nobs or the celebrated Dreamer of Bedford I am no such Fool to fight with a Windmill or take a Flock of Sheep for a mighty Army All my Conflicts in Youth were with my hard Fortune against which it becomes every wise Man to combat If a Man wants diversion and be out of humour he need only read my Dialogues with Philaret and Iris to put him into a fit of laughter But whither do I Ramble from my Subject of ' Prenticeship But Reader I hope you 'll exâ—use it in me seeing when at any time I go out of my way 't is rather upon the account of License than Over-sight For as I told you at first my Subject is Rambling and therefore is it that I suffer the least sudden Thought or extravagant Fancy to lead me ten twenty nay sometimes â—n hundred Pages out of my way And to confess the truth I have got such a trick of making Digressions that I find it is hardly possible for me to
unrest He has now but just enough to cover o're his breast Weep then his Kindred and his Wife by turns Weep 'till you 've fill'd a hundred thousand Vrns For here another Alexander lies When no more Worlds cou'd see he ramblâ—d here and dyes V. S. Batchelor of Arts. To the READER Instead of the ERRATA The Author hath his Faults the Prinâ—er too All Men whilst here do err and so do You. Introduction D' Ye laugh Mr. Reader why e'ne much good may 't do ye I know what you are going to say as well as if I were i' the Belly of ye but don't think I 'll humour ye so much as to name your Objections for I intend to answer 'em without ever troubling the World with knowing what they are Be it therefore known to all men by these presents that I Don Iohn Hard-name you 'll hear more on 't if you have patience to read further Citizen and c. of London being now arriv'd to the precise 30th Year of my Life that time when the gaities of Fancy being workt off the Iudgment begins to Burnish and a Man comes to years of Discretion if ever he will be so Wandring one Evening thro' a Cypress Grove I won't be positive it might be Hazle but t'other sounds better revolving in my rambling Brain the Varietyes of Human Affairs happen'd i' the Drove of Thoughts that swarm'd up and down my Noddle to reflect on my own self Sir Your Humble Servant and what strange checquered Fortunes had filled the Lines of my Horoscope I followed my self in my busy Imagination from my Cradle to my Grave in all my Rises and Falls my Ups and Downs and heres and theres and every where 's and upon the 〈◊〉 sincerely protest unto thee O judicious gentle courteous Reader that after the severest Investigation both of History and Experience I câ—n no where find my Parallel and am apt now to believe what I thought too much my Friends have sometimes bin pleas'd to Complement me with that I was indeed an Original My Name is or shall be KAINOPHILVS my Birth-place of Abode and Fortunes you are n't like to know unless you 'll read this Book and almost a dozen more for 't is impossible to comprize such great things in a little compass and tho' the World has heard of Homer in a Nutshel yet no Man alive ever saw Tostatus on a Silver penny But in short if ever Fernand Mendez â—nto had strange luck who actually Rambled over 999 Kingdoms 50 Empires 66 Common-Wealths was 100 times Cast away 40 times Stript 50 times Whipt 21 times sold for a Slave 50 times Condemn'd to Death and a 1000 times Killed Murthered and stark cold and dead in the Imagination I say of his Enemies I say again if he deserved Recommendation and Admiration making the World stare agen with his Super-gorgonick wonders if Modesty would give me leave I could say much more do I so Who have But again I won't forestall ye tho' really the matter presses and my pregnant Brain labours with so many painful pangs to be obstetricated that I verily fear I shall burst before I come to disgorge it thro' my fruitful Quill to avoid which I 'll Ramble on as fast as I can scamper thro' this Porch which yet I must tell ye if t' were a Mile long wond'n't be bigger than the House at the endon't To the point from this Cypress Grove I was telling you of I Rambled into my Life from my Life into a brown Studdy What thought I wi' my self very soberly if I should oblige this World now this ungrateful World with a History of this strange Life of mine Hang 't it dos n't deserve it Yet I may do it for my own sake not theirs But then they 'll envy me virtue must expect no other But they 'll Laugh at me why can't I laugh at them agen But they 'll frown and scowl and look ugly Pish pish I l'e fit them for that if I don't may I be posted in stead of my Book Besides there may be some certain Perquisites Considerations and so forth sometimes the World has bin just to things of Value Coriats works Tom Thumb seven Champions Pilgrims Progress some good some bad some take some not and mine has a chance for 't It is Decreed nor shall thy Frowns O Critick Prevent my Work So to 't I went Hammer and Tongs as the Vulgar say and after long and laborious licking out came this Beautiful Birth that 's just a hop stride and jump before you none I'lle assure ye of the short-lived unlaboured pieces which like the Ephemeris Ah poor Ephemeris is got in Morning born at Noon and dead by Night but a thing ay and such a thing as has a quod nec Iovis ira nec ignis writ in the Forehead on 't As neither shall be destroyed by Lightning Tobacco-pipes nor Thunder'd at with Sulphurious blasts beneath But labour'd and polish'd the works of sweating thoughts and many a drudging hour tho' 't is confest a pleasant Drudgery Comprehending or inveloping within its Spatious Circumference no less than all the visible and intellectual World All parts of this little Vniverse Rambled over in a Moment Reader even by thee if thou hast a Soul like mine Do but look on the Title-page here 's that will challenge all Little Brittain and Duck-Lane Nay take in the Toppers of Pauls-Church-Yard too one and all tho' they were as high as the Steeple and as big as the Cupilo I 'll be try'd by themselves tho' they seldom commend Copies or Authors none of their own I say agen I 'll be try'd by themselves and their own Confession so bold and Conscious of it self true Merit is as well as Innocence wheâ—her e're a one of 'em all ever Printed such a Book in their Lives Indeed I cannot better or fuller describe it than telling you in two words 't is every thing For as the Lives and Actions of great Princes contain one way or other the greatest part of the History of the times and Ages they live in so the Reader will find in the Life of one Traveller my individual self Don Kainoâ—hilus alias Evander the whole Description of I scorn to say one Country one Age or one World but of all the Habitable and Uninhabitable Creation Terra incognita described as plain as Ireland in Petty's Surrey â—very Foot Pearch and Inch on 't Virtue and Vice Wit and Folly all the Humours Religions Customs Whims and Connundrums of Mankind Directions how to â—ear himself in every part and Stage of Life from the Sucking-Bottle and Clouts to the last hot suppings and burying in Woollen And whereas it has bin the fatal â—â—happiness or raâ—her Crime of most other Ramblers Real or Feign'd who have committed their Observations and Adventures to Writing to encourage Vice by their Examples even while they pretend to reprove it in their words or ore tenus as the Learned this incomparable Author whom
ignorant of as how shou'd he be otherwise swallowed down amongst the Pap and ever since has worn his Brains in his Guts instead of Gutts in his Brains But this is but the effect of Envy that speaks well of no Body any more than another foul Calumny of the same Batch that they Rambled to t'other End of the World upon new Discoveries where being surprized by the Cannibals they got 'em out of his Ears with a Skewer as folks pick Marrow-bones and eat 'em as a rare Dainty with Pepper and Vinegar others that being close pursued and conscious they were the most precious things he had about him he ' ene sneez'd 'em out of his Nose as the Bever bites off his more valuable Moveables when in the same circumstances and left 'em for a Bait to catch the Gudgeons with upon a fair Cabbidge-leaf just in the High◠way But 't is certain from his own Mouth 't was another sort of substance tho' much of the same consistence which fell from him in his flight from these Obstreperous and Carnivorous Anthropophagi and the Truth is the only Ramble his Brains ever made were into his Pen as he was nibling it to get out these excellent works For his Eyes if they they did not ramble in his Mothers Belly because there perhaps the modest Fool might keep 'em shut 't is certain they fell a gadding as soon as ' ere they came abroad and will never lie still more till many a fair Year after he 's buried if they do then Let those who have no further to Ramble than the Play-house admire the fair full Eye the tip the twinkle the ogle or what you please to call it but he gives you his Honour upon 't which will pass for a Pot of Ale at any blind Ale-house in Christendom that of all the Eyes in the World he envies those that squint because they can look nine ways at once and he heartily wishes his Eyes were Diametrically retrograde to each other for he had much rather look all round about than just before him The truth is his own Eyes as they are do him no inconsiderable Service of which you 'll know more when I tell you what Rambles they and their Fellow-Travellers his Fingers have had together His Nose Rambles not to an Hospital but a Kitchen which smoaks in every Country and his Table is cover'd in every Hamlet from hence to the Antipodes so generous is his Stomach that he scorns the queasie morose temper of those who never eat unless they are sure they are Welcome and the Meat clean dress'd whereas he 'd not refuse a Dinner thô with an old Usurer who gave him as many Curses for every bit he eat as there have been drops of Water in the Thames running by Greenwich this 700 Years nor stand out at an Invitation thô made by the Hottomtots on the Cape of Good-Hope to one of their T d-Puddings and no other Claret to make it go down but the Indians Delight the gravy of half a dozen fat Toads mellowing in a Jar for half a Year before the Feast To let alone therefore the Rambling of his Tongue which all the World knows has such a way with it his Teeth and Pallat are of all Nations and Religions as well as that He can Feast very conformably on a good decent Mince Pye or Canonical Pot of Plumb-Porridge he can edifie on a brotherly Capon and think Sack-posset a very comfortable and enlarging Dispensation he can Fast and Mortifie on Sturgeon Turbet Mullet or Shell-fish with e're a portly Fryer of 'em all ay and munch Locusts with the poor Maronites in Mount Libanus rather than let his Gutts cling together while he eats Pudding and Sallat with the Bramin when he can get no better Food He is not such a Hog as not to eat Flesh of a Iews dressing because 't was cut with its Throat towards Ierusalem nor is not such a Iew as to refuse a good sliver of a Hog if he meets it handsomly upon Governours-Island or any other place on this or t'other side on 't I promis'd to tell you what Rambling Hands he has O they are a pair of little Wanderers as ever went where they had no business not that they ever dived into any Pockets besides his own which they seldom take any Money from much less from another he scorns it Sir you don't know him or else he has a Sword and Pistol at your service for be it known t' ye he 'll ne're make use on 't unless to present at the Bushes and furiously throw 'em over the Hedge But they strole in conjunction with his Eyes over all the Learned World as his Feet over the natural one cropping here and there nay one may venture to say every where such delicate choice Flowers as present themselves to his Inquisitive Peepers His Feet are of the same Humour with all the rest of his Body and they so infect his Leggs that he has much ado to keep up the Confederacy between 'em they have such a huge mind to be running away from one another so that 't is fear'd he 'll in time grow splay-footed and from their Body too as sweet a one as 't is as Dr. Faustus's did from him when the Countrey-man pull'd to wake him What shou'd I tell you of his Soul since his Body is the very Picture on 't and if you know one you can't miss o' t'other among a thousand 'T is like Gresham-Colledge or the Anatomy-School at Leyden hung round with a thousand Knick-knacks that rambled thither some of 'em half the World over But what pains he takes to show 'em all and does it with as much Decorum and gravity as the old Fellow used to show the Tombs at Westminster so that in his own words his ill Luck lies not so much in being a Fool as in being put to such Pain to express it to the World But shou'd the Frollick go round and all the World write a Book of their Lives and Rambles as he has done he 'll ask one civil Question Who wou'd be Fool then To summe up all his Character in two Words He is Inquire within and you may know further Evanders CHARACTER THE Author of these Rambles Review'd by himself Modesty may Iustice claim Truth and I may do the same EVander is a Person without Flattery endu'd with all Accomplishments that Nature ever cramm'd into a Gelly of Stars to make a Chees-cake of Like the rising Sun round the Head of his Apollo he is always imploy'd in circumnavigating the Sphincter of some Myoptical Primogenity and sure I am that should Diogenes his Tub come to Life again he would be the first Man chosen by the States of the Moon to craok Chesnuts with a pair of Butter-firkins But to be less Ciceronian He is one of an indifferent Stature neither so high as the Monumental Irish ma◠nor full out so humble as that Modicum 〈◊〉 Mortality that crawls about with
may see most pleasantly describ'd in the Twenty fourth and last Globe Through all which and every part of it you 'l find Directions for management of your self in any state of Life School-boy Prentice Traveller Soldier not too much tho' of that Lover Tradesman and what not with many pleasant and useful Digressions with or without Occasion some of which will cure the Melancholy if not as deep as any in Bedlam That ever any Man in his Senses but all are not Evanders should question the Usefulness of this Design and the past or following Volumes That in the first place 't was highly useful to Me which none need doubt I think the principal Verb I can assure 'em by my own Experience t' has turn'd a penny these hard times and the Thing Design and Method being all new and diverting has taken so well I have no reason to be sorry of having obliged the World since that has done as much by me agen an Evidence of which as well as of my Gratitude for it is this Second Volume Nor let any be so unjust to think the Usefulness of this Work is confined to the Author alone though Charity begins at home his design being more generous and communicative and tending to the profit of others as well as himself upon more accounts than two or three The first is because 't is so pleasant so diverting so tickling and all that to those who do but understand the whim on 't To see a Man describ'd and not describ'd playing Bo-peep with the World and hiding himself behind his Fingers like Merry Andrew clapping his Conjuring-Cap on and then crying Who sees me now thrusting his Head into a Bush and like a cunning sort of a Bird that comes from the Moon whither he is to take a Voyage in one of these odd Books and then defying all the World as Pembrook did to know him by his t'other end I say to see this ingenious Author as close under the name of Kainophilus as Achates and Aeneas in the Cloak of Venus seeing every Body and hearing what Folks say and censure of him and none seeing or hearing him What in the World can be a more pleasant Spectacle or better deserving the Motto over the door where this monstrous sight is to be seen Spectatum admissi risum teneatis amici But alas Evander's Person though diverting enough is far from being all the pleasant Humours of this Book Here are not only wise Ones but Fools of all sorts and sizes Cit. Fools and Bumkin Fools Prodigal Fools and Flint-fisted Fools Old Young and Middle-aged Quarto's Folio's and Decimo-Sexto's enough to furnish all the Shops from Temple-Bar to the Poultrey-Counter and if all this choice won't please ye your Stomachs must be too quâ—asie ever to eat Porridge with Evander How many Comical Remarks and Merry Fancies are stuck all over the Book like an Orange with Cloves a Lover with Flowers or a Mad-man with Straws or Feathers not to add a Traveller with Rambling Tales and Romances What think ye else of Evander's Character written by himself at the beginning of the Book an inimitable Piece and a Design hardly ever before attempted and that with as much Justice to himself as Diversion to the Reader What say ye Mr. Critick to all the Poetry which shines through every part of it as thick as the Stars in the milky way or the Vertues and Graces of the incomparable Iris Of the admirable and surprizing Novelty of both Matter and Method representing a Book made as it were out of nothing and yet containing every thing the sweetness of the Groves the pleasantness of the Country the purling of Streams and harmony of the Birds and whistling of the Winds and singing of the Cuckoes and Meditations of Evander Then o' t'other side the Grandeur of the City described in a method wholly new of which more anon and all the Rarities therein described the Stateliness of its Palaces the Magnificence of its Churches and the Honesty of its Booksellers which singular Subject richly merits a Volume as big as all Tostatus together But alas is here for want of room wedg'd up into one or two single Chapters though neither the last Book nor this nor their own nor all the Shops nor Walls in London or the World that 's a bold word are either strong enough or large enough or weighty enough to contain it But all this while how will I make profit of what 's only pleasant Why as easily as I make this Book and that before it If Pleasure be the chief Good as some Philosophers perhaps defensively and innocently enough if rightly taken have asserted then whatever is pleasant must undoubtedly contain all other goods under them and among them the profitable ones But not to mount the Argument above the vulgar Readers heads and perhaps my own too 't is plain enough that what 's so pleasant as this must needs be profitable too another way to the Body by chearing the Spirits sweetning the Blood dispelling black melancholy Fumes and making it as brisk as a Prentice just out of his Time a Crack't Tradesman newly Set-up again a jolly young Bridegroom on the Wedding-night or a fair Bride the next morning Then to the Mind what more innocently diverting keeping from a hundred worse Employments at once delighting and profiting and mingling utile dulci so exactly that there sha'nt be a scruple over or under on either side though weighed in Apollo's own Ballance Thus ye see how profitable the Book had been though t 'had been only pleasant But perhaps the grum sort of Readers will find fault with 't for that very cause they must have somewhat sowerer and stiffer to humour their Iackboot-Iudgments something that will bear reading a hundred times over without ever growing thread-bare that may exalt the Judgment improve the Mind and all that This they only call profit and without this it s beneath their supercilious Worships leisure so much as to cast a glance upon 't Well all this they shall have to please the grave Sirs whom by the leave of their Beards we must quarrel with for not acting like themselves condemning what they have never read or not sufficiently reflected on For which reason Kainophilus must be again forced to do violence on his modesty and point to the particular choice Jewels enshrined in this rich Cabinet by which may be easily guess'd how gravely and sagely he could have discours'd from one end to t'other wou'd the World have born it as easily as all Hercules is measur'd by his Foot or the former Fruitfulness of the Holy Land by some precious snips here and there to be found at this day I won't pretend to enumerate here all the sound pieces of good Philosophy Sence and Reason as strong as Love or Mustard which are scatter'd here and there all throughout the foremention'd Work though some such places I 'll direct you to for my own Credit as well as your
're safe be n't we Waterman See how the Rogue laughs but he does not know my value as well as I do and what a loss the World wou'd have if Evander shou'd feed the Fishes So 'T is very well the Boat is trim'd now d' ye see the Bridge what a thing 't is a Street of Flying Houses not quite so large tho' as that Iesuitical-Bridge in China which Father Kircher tells us of from one Mountain to another above a Mile long and I 've forgot how many broad but however such a Bridge as a Man were better go over than put off his Stockings and Shoes to wade thro' the Riverâ— tho' in truth 't is a dangerous place for there are Pick-Pockets â—nnumerable almost as many as run drops of Water under in a day Therefore I 'd advise every Prudent man that has any business in Southwark side if he has any charge of Money about him to leave it with the first Beggar he meets with at this End of the Street and call for 't as he comes back agen or if he be not in haste any other time when he comes that way You Waterman Hypocrite Element-Thrasher hold Water there and Land me at New-Thames-Street for I 've a mind to go meditate in St. George's Field for a Quarter of an Hour and meet me agen at Lambith without fail for I intend next Chapter to go see the Tombs at Westminster CHAP. VIII A Whisker the last was longer than e're a one in Magna Chartâ— But then consider too 't was as full as an Egg and a great deal was dispatch'd in 't it took up all one End of London now did not Kainophilus which signifies by the by a Lover of News not any thing of Kain as if I were a kin to him did he not passionately love new ways and Paths were he contented to drudge on at the old Hum-Drum way of describing Cities begin at one end and go to the other Why how much easier might he finish all this mighty task no he must have something pleasant as well as profitable and that as well as t'other and indeed both together therefore he takes this agreeable Method and I 'm sure very new to begin at the Change thence to the Tower so to the Monument thence half out of the World then all in agen next to the Water-Side whence any one wou`d have thought hee 'd have survey'd all the Palaces along the shore the Temple Summersâ—t Savoy Northumberland White-Hall and so to Westminster no this any body might have done but observe now the surprizing way I have found out away I walk a meditating as I told you before and meet the Water-man without calling in to hear some certain Prayers for some certain person and then Sowse in I come upon Westminster before you ever dreamt of me This Ancient and Noble City of Westminster Built near a Plat of Ground formerly called Thorney from the Brakes and Tâ—orns which then cover'd it but now Illustrious for its Building Famous for its Inhabitants and render'd populous and remarkable by its Seats of Law and Courts of Iustice Now by this grave period does the reader think I 'm going to transcribe Stow or some wise Fellow or other in praise of Westminster That very ugly unhandsome reflection on Kainophilâ—s who is not a person that uses to Colour Old Books or new Bâ—â—d 'em and then put 'em off for New has turn'd his resolution and you shan't hear one word more of iâ— Antiquity Founder or any thiâ—g â—â—se but what I please for sure I 'm the Master of my own Sense don't let the Reader trouble me with so many impertinent Objections for that unavoidably leads a Man into Digressions from the main subject and then these Digressions lead a Man into further Digressions for Error is infinite and the longer you wander in a wrong Path my Shoes to yours the further you go from the right if they are opposite one to t'other Not but that Digressions are so far from being always a fault that they are indeed often pardonable and sometimes a great Beauty to any discourse but then they must be well turn'd and managed they must come in naturally and easily and seem to be almost of a piece with the main Story tho never so far distant from it I love a Digression I must confess with all my Heart because 't is so like a Ramble but all this while what 's Digression to Westminster very much for that it self 's but one great Digression from London as St. Iames's from that Kenzington from that Hammersmith from that Brandford from that Hounslow Heath from that never fear I 'le find it agen tho you shou'd turn me loose Blindfold in the midst of the Common Salisbury from that that Digression's a little the largest Exeter from that larger agen the Mount in Cornwall from that largest of all The Channel Plymouth Torâ—ay Portsmouth Bâ—achy Deal Dover Thames-mouth Graves-End Mile End from the Mount and so I brought both ends of the City together and you home agen before a full Pot of good Ale you can swallow The Cock-Ramble of all my Four and Twenty Volumes But I know when 't is well and therefore come in and see the Tombs and look upon the Clock-work-Fellow that shews 'em all his Motions are like the two fierce brazen Sparks at St. Dunstan's Diâ—l there 's such gravity such extreme Deliberation in the Motion of his Hand and Tongue that you 'd scarce believe him made of any more active Mâ—tal than the Monuments he shews you Here li â—th en terr'd quo ' he the Bo dys of the Names worn out Great-Grand-father to Al bi on the great Mo narch of all these Real mes and Cor de li a his Wife Nay thought I this is the way for us to turn Monuments too if we stay here till all 's done if it begins at this rate so away Rambled I by my self to make new Discoveries among the Territories of the Dead and overlookt heaps of Kings and Lords and scarce allow'd 'em half-an-eye so great is Somebodie 's Soul till who shou'd I meet among'st 'em all but the Immortal Cowley Hold Let me step three or four steps back and rub my Fingers against the Marbles for indeed they are a little foul before I presume to touch his sacred Monument How like is't to that great Man for whom 't was made nothing glaring and fantastick but all Proper Neat Natural and Modest and yet a certain Air t' has in it altogether that the brightest Monument round him can hardly equal I shou'd break out into a little extasie while weeping over his venerable Ashes and in some passionate Lines or other tell the World what t' has lost and how little it deserv'd it But if Phormiâ— dared not talk of War before Hannibal the very Dust of Cowley has something in 't so aweful that I dare not affront it with such Poetry as I shou'd bring in its
of peace and Quietness for Decency Profit and such prudential Considerations lest it should obstruct the rolling forward of the other Two and twenty Globes yet behind in the Frontispiece and spoil the Sale of this and what comes after thereby cheating the World of a most inestimable Treasure now just ready to pop into their Libraries I say for such like Causes as these rather than any Necessity in the nature of the thing Evander Kainophilus and the Author laying their Heads together have resolved to give a sound and formal Answer that all the little snarful Criticks may for ever after hold their peace or have their Dogs Teeth broke out by the dint of ponderous Argument The main Objection then against this First Book last past as well as the whole Design is thus proposed by some wise ones namely That they don't know what to make on 't They can neither find beginning nor ending head nor tail nor can't for their Lives tell what the Author wou'd be at what he drives at or intends in part or whole What use what profit what account it turns to what 't is good for how it answers the Name how to reconcile Book and Title and make 'em kin to one another A Pocket-Library a Trap-stick 't is why ' tis'n't so much as a Catalogue and my Pocket is already sufficiently furnish't quoth one Spark with a Manuscript-Library of my own or Mistresses or Letters from Kainophil eternally to supply some certain Uses which only this new Library is like to be employed in However Paper is'n't yet so dear a Man must give Eighteen pence for a Weeks wiping Out you filthy Fellow you offend the nice Evander and deserve to remain as long imprison'd in the nasty place you prate of as the Iew who wou'd not come out on his own Sabbath But we shall have them anon and my Author has a Pen will firk ye if he setteth about it A Voyage round the World this quoth another Umph but what Page shall we find it in The Author has quite forgot it shatter'd the business out of his thin Skull and as the Panegyrist before him bin graciously pleas'd to ramble to somewhat else Here 's indeed a parcel of odd nonsensical Tales of Graffham and Dungrove and a Country Bumkin coming to London and flying in the Air and I know not what but what 's all this all this while to a Voyage about the World Why this is ten times worse than a Battel in Stylo recitativo The Man writes Short-hand quoth another witty Rogue and abbreviates Books into Pages them into Sentences and them into Words and between his Doggrel-Philosophy Prose and Poetry has shovel'd up such a Hodg-potch of stuff here as wou'd make a Hermit tear his Beard to hear it Very well when ye are out of breath 't is hop'd a Man may get room to speak for himself The first grave Complaint against this useful profitable ingenious admirable Book with modesty be it spoken is That People don't know what to make on 't And what if they don't Evander supposes 't would puzzle a good Logician to Analogyze all the famous History of the renowned Knight of the Mancha especially now P s has made nonscence on 't by shifting the Scene one Page in Spain and the next in England Perhaps I had never any mind you should know that I mean nor what to make on 't there lies all the Jest sometimes and why might not I intend my Book after the Tune of I lent my Mony to my Friend Or Riddle me Riddle me If Evander had obliged the World with the Second Edition of the Horn-book a Primmer in Folio or a new Protestant Tutor in Twenty four Volumes then 't had been enough to let the World have known what to make on 't Who knows not that those things are most admired which are least understood Unless the Infallible Church her self be foully out Ignorance is the Mother of Devotion nay it may be as much policy for me to have my Book unintelligible as for them to have their Prayers and all the rest of their Religion Not that I 'm a Papist for all that No I abominate both Flogging and Fasting as against the Light of Nature and as bad as Transubstantiation one of 'em as great an enemy to my Back as 'tother to my Belly but for Illustration or so now and then 't is lawful to pick a Flower if one can find it from e're a Dunghil in Christendom This supposing they could not understand it as another great Person said in a like case some years past I am't bound to find Sence both for my Book and my Readers 'T would be enough if I my self understood it whether others do so or no. And that I do I am my self the properest Judge But that the World mayn't think me morose or envious and to evidence the goodness of my Nature by its being so communicative I 'll e'ne for once make others as happy as my self Kainophilus will tweak the World 's great Nose open its Basin-Eyes lug its stubborn Ears and lead it into the most intimate meaning of all those precious things laid up in the sacred Archieves of those his admirable Works past present and to come He undertakes so clearly to demonstrate the pleasure profit and excellent advantage of the Premisses as to perswade any thing but an Vsurer to purchase 'em and lay 'em under the Pillow every night as Alexander did Homer He 'll prove as much beyond contradiction That 't is a true actual Voyage round the World ev'ry Word and Paragraph therein as Authentick as the renowned Mandevil and as Moral as the famous History of Reynard the Fox or the last Edition of the same Book disguised under the Title of the Hind and Panther And that in all these Heads the Design is carried on constantly the Method not confused though somewhat Cryptical and requiring a little study to crack the Shell and get out the Kernel The Frontispiece the Explanation the Title-page and Introduction make all this appear without any trouble of telling it The intent of the whole as therein appears being to give a Iournal of Life and a Description of the wide World and some Memoirs relating to the Actions of one particular Person from his Cradle to his Grave into which all the rest is most subtilly woven But who that Person is let none be so hasty to affirm Those who dare be so presumptuous we shall meet with 'em in the next Chapter and perhaps more severely in other places if they don't mend their Manners and mind their own Business Now this single Life whose soever 't is is Hieroglyphically delineated in the Twenty four Globes of the Frontispiece none but his own actual Rambles having the honour to be insculpt thereon wherein you see he is carried through all the Scenes of Life from his coming bare-b ' d into the World to his going in like manner out on 't which you
it And what do me I but precisely follow so good and laudable Authority and Example taking my rise at Graffam in order to this Hop-stride-and-Iump round the World This Description of all the World I begin early and intend to prosecute farther than ever any did before me I Begin my Rambles at nothing which I soon make something of and by that time I have done poor Vander will be nothing agen And yet that nothing something too for I 'm no Atheist but yet such a something as is between something and nothing What if I observe some minute passages in the prosecution of my Rambles the more exact still and perfect will the Iournal be and why mayn't I make as great a splutter with my Dialogue with Owls and Cuckoes as grave Authors do of Apollonius's Confabulation with the Sparrows and Oxen since I dare venture one of these Books to a Brass-Farthing one is as true as another Then for the gravity of some passages I wou'd make the same Excuse Osborn does and Cabbage his very words 't is n't the first time perhaps nor wou'd either he or you be ever the wiser in a case of like nature but not having the Book by me at present you must be content with the Quintessence on 't Some People quoth he may very gravely blame me for inserting some such slight Circumstances as these in my History I think that he then mention'd was the colour of Queen Ann's Hair Ay but let 'em consider He goes on so far till he 's out of sight and were Kainophilus to be made a Viscount he can't remember what 's next But will tell you what 's more to the purpose as he was saying before this Work is a fair and lawful Description of A Ramble round the World 'T is true here 's yet but a small part on 't describ'd nor I 'll assure ye have ye any more yet than a small part of this Ramble and yet that small one great enough too if consider'd in it self though but little in regard of the whole World nay all the Universe which as appears from the Frontispiece and Verses before the First Book he threatens to ramble all round every nook and crook on 't before he has done with 't Once more Mr. Kainophilus How comes this to be a Voyage round the World when we never yet met ye so much as in a Sculler crossing the Water You have bin indeed as ye told us before sailing and rowing and tugging by Land when ye â—ot a Horse-back where ye make tempestuous work on 't and your Vessel Reels tâ—rribly But all this is nothing to Sea-service and we never heard of a Voyage by Land since we were Christen'd till ye were pleas'd to bring the word into the World How Evander not understand true English who has been an Author these three and twenty years and cou'd almost read his Criss cross-row in his Mother's Belly Who has so many English Dictionaries in his Study and another in his Head bigger than all together and yet there 's still room to spare both for Brains and Projects Does not he nay now you ruffle his smooth Soul alter his fair Body and discompose him all over If ye go on at this rate with making Objections a Man does not know how to answer for their number I mean not their weight ye shall e'ne write your self and let the World laugh at ye for Evander will be your Fool no longer But not to over-rule this Plea we 'll for once joyn issue and giv 't a fair Answer This Voyage round the World was made in the Ship of Fancy which every one knows like the Cossaks Boats sails as well by Land as Water And now I hope you are satisfied One Objection more I ingeniously raise my self not to put others to the trouble I have pretty frequently mention'd the Famous Bunyan in the past and may perhaps in this present and future Rambles but can assure the World notwithstanding a flurt of Fancy now and then intended it with all the Reverence he deserves But if o't'other side any malicious Person should be displeased with me for quoting such a Tinker of an Author let 'em know I have a topping Example for the same which to vindicate both my self and him shall be here inserted and therewith I intend to close this Chapter See New Observator Vol. 2. Numb 27. ADVERTISEMENT MR. John Bunyan Author of the Pilgrims Progress and many other excellent Bookâ— that have found great acceptance hath left behinâ— him ten Manuscripts prepared by himself for thâ— Press before his Death His Widow is desired to Print them with some other of his Works which have been already printed but are 〈◊〉 present not to be had which will make together a Book of Ten Shillings in Sheets in Folio 〈◊〉 Persons who desire so great and good a Worâ— should be performed with speed are desired to send 〈◊〉 Five Shillings for their first Payment to the Undertaker who is impowred to give Receipts for the same CHAP. II. A word of Reproof to all such as pretend they know the Author of these Rambles SO great a Glory do I esteem it to be the Author of these Works that I cannot without great injury to my self and Justice endure that any shou'd own 'em who have nothing to do with 'em like the Fellow at Rome who pretended to Virgil's Verses But I need take no other way to confute these Plagiaries than Virgil himself did requiring the Tally to his Vos non vobis Let any Man write on at the rate this is already written and I 'll grant he is the Author of this Book that before and all the rest to the end of the Chapter No there is such a sort of a whim in the style something so like my self so Incomprehensible not because 't is Non-sense that whoever throws but half an Eye on that and me together will swear 't was spit out of the moth of Kainophilus This by the bye But 't is not the main business of this Chapter to assert what few will be so impudent to deny and what I could give Demonstration of by letting 'em see me write these very words which they read here and subscribing under it Yours Yours Yours in ten thousand Obligations of Love and Service Kainophilus Vander. The main work in hand is what the Contents explains in Short-hand To rebuke those at least over-bold Persons who pretend to know who this Kainophilus is and that better than I my self do which seems a very hard case in my simple Judgment Comes ye one grave and good Man to me I beg your Pardon 't was but a slip to a Friend of mine and thus accosts him Are n't you asham'd Mr. thus to expose your self and your Friends to all the World Why have you no sense of Honour in ye to write such a confounded silly Book as this of your self ay of your self there 's the Jest on 't I protest I 've
earnings alas I 'm a staid Man now turn'd of .... score and he was a little nimble Fellow always Rambling and capering about like Quick-silver in a hot Pudding-Pye But here are the same Looks a meer Chance and Gate and Shuffle because I 'm a Man of business and go for the most part in haste as he did when he was Courting his Mistresses An old Iade she made me sweat I 'm glad I 'm got clear on her But next for Kainophilus the same wise Argument with that before There was once a silly Fellow who pretended a Design a little like this we are about to Ramble round the World he began I think with Kent and so intended to run through all Christendom and the rest of the World but the pitiful abortive Project which could never pretend to that heighth of Thought and profundity of Invention with ours for that cause never liv'd above two or three days and then was justly condemn'd to the stinking darkness of some ignoble Bog-house 'T is not deny'd but that hence we may have taken the Name the only thing worth living in it and have Examples enough for our practice Did not the ingenious Ariosto borrow several of his Names particularly his beautiful Angelica from some dull forgotten Rhimer that went before him Nay did not Virgil rake in Ennius his Dung like a Gold-finder as he was for that very reason that he might deserve the Name And why mayn't we as lawfully pull this single Name out of its nasty Oblivion powder it and dry it and sweeten it and wash it and make use of it for our own proper Cognomen or otherwise as we see occasion Besides I question whether he understood Greek or could construe 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 or 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 which till he does all the World must grant he and the learned Kainophilus here so often named are two quite different Persons and no more the same than I and the Queen of Sheba You may rave and fret all this while and cry all this is Banter which I confess is the readiest way of answering it but I appeal to all sober Judges whether it been't almost as bad as Kidnapping a Man away to go about to perswade him he is what he is not to make Trincalo a Duke or as a good modest Gentleman was some time since served by the Barbarian Africans beat him into Nobility and make him stand in bodily fear of being at last thrasht into the Royal Family To avoid which unsufferable Inconveniencies and others of the like pernicious nature I take all these pains with those who don 't know what to make of me to shew both what I am and what I am not The third and last Name from which this peeping peering Eves-dropping World pretends to know me is I confess the least Heroical of all the three namely Iohn which they most subtilly deduce from that line in the Explanation Hold up phy Head John Ay and so I can for all I have heard yet or am like to hear 'T is true the Author of those Verses has been a little bold now and then speaking something too diminitively not to add familiarly of the Subject and Person he handles This fault I could wish he had here especially avoided Had he used but the mighty Hebrew word Iehochanam instead of that pitiful sneaking Iohn-English I should e'ne have glory'd in the Name and defy'd the World to say its worst upon 't of that or me See but how they reason The Author's Name was IOHN They know one whose Name is Iohn nay that they are sure of they 'll prove it by the Register by his Bills and Bonds and own Hand-writing scrawl'd at the bottom of at least in a modest computation One million and five hundred thousand Epistles and familiar Letters Well pray go on and don 't waste him thus why therefore he must be the Author In answer we don't deny there 's a certain Person in the World known by the Name of Iohn nay two or theee hundred but if the Argument be good enough all the rest must be the Authors on 't as well as Iohn-a-nokes or Iohn-a-styles But this Iohn is a Bookseller Come prove that if ye can I do it from the foresaid Verses Who e're heard of a King or a Bookseller drowned Worshipful reasoning Well how all this World is over-run with Fallacies How few can discourse clearly and handsomly And how few are Evanders Granting he must be one of these two does it follow he 's the other or both together He 's to â—huse which he 'll be a King or a Bookseller and assures ye he has Wit enough to chuse the best To be short Does not every body know there have been King Iohns as well as Bookseller Iohns Iohn King of Naples King of Ierusalem King of England besides a hundred and fifty little Iohnny-Kings not worth taking notice of This the World knows but I know something more and could name 'em a King Iohn of my own acquaintance nay and perhaps a Bookseller too as well as the Party suspected and then where 's all their arguing But this Iohn Bookseller went to New-England Ay there 's the home-stroke now they think they have me as fast as the sage Gentlemen Aldermen had their worshipful Brother the Cuckoe when the Hedge was finished to keep in the noble Bird for their own use or the poor Bumkin when he pricks in a Leather But trust Vander for wrigling out agen in spite of all their craftiness Grant the Frontispiece has New-England Boston the Wigwams and all that nay and a Bookseller too for once ay and a Iohn Bookseller yet all this won't nor shan't do to prove the Author of these Works is known to the World For if there were more Iohns and more Booksellers that went to New-England then the case is clear that from all has been said they can never prove who 't is since it may be one as well as t'other But the Premisses I assert upon my Honour and am sure that my honest Fellow-Traveller Iohn how d' ye like it Sir will never deny it Therefore the Conclusion stands as firm as a Rock of Adamant that ye don't know me nor shan't know me or as I have it in my memorial-Memorial-Book word for word it is not at all prov'd that the Author of this Work should be the Person whom the World believes it to be Once more whispering Speak all at once for I 'll hear no more Why quo ' Mr. Critick though these Evidences taken singly by themselves mayn't be able to conclude against the Person accused yet all together they may for we often see as in the Fable one Stick Broken when twenty such together though of equal force separately would require a Hercules to snap 'em asunder Come never talk is't not impossible that all these Characters should meet in one Man agreeing to the Author of these Works and yet that Person not be the Author
great Nomenclator of Authors which I have read in general in the Catalogue and in particular in the Title for I seldom go so far as the Dedication But as for Poetry except in the case of Rachel I never ventured upon it thinking it impregnable But as for Astronomy and Logick c. I ventured twice in my ' Prenticeship to make a breach into it for you must note I have an Invention though it extends it self no further than the patching together a few Chamber-Collections and you 'll find my disposition of them to be as methodical as the Book-binders when he places X in the place of A I wear my Wit in my Belly and my Guts in my Head a very Natural might bob my Brains my Pia-mater is not worth the ninth part of a Sparrow I cannot in circumvention deliver a Fly from a Spider without drawing the massy Irons and cutting the Web. O how often has my Brain turn'd at Philosophy How often have I made I L fear studying judging it by observing me to be a kind of Duncery How often in my Gown Night-cap have I sat up till midnight in my Master's Back-Shop to the vanquishing of some six lines in Homer or the minor Poets being unwilling to forget all my Greek but alas I cou'd never yet after a 7 years biting my Nails as long scratching that which goes for my Noddle get acquaintance with above a Muse and a half nor never drink above siz q. of Helicon And therefore Reader expect here neither Squibs nor Fire-works Stars nor Glories for to be yet more inward with thee the curst Carrier lost my best Book of Phrases and the malicious Mice or Rats ate up all my Pearls and Golden Sentences I was never yet so well accomplisht as to study the jingling and cadences of words have not learnt to say Yes forsooth and No forsooth to call a Straw a Strew forsooth nor had I ever the modishness to search in the Looking-glass which words gave the most grceful motion to the Lips And indeed fine Language would as ill become me as a Poet does fine Cloaths but it may be some may understand my plain talk better than them whose Pen drops Nectar or Life-Honey choice and refined Conceits not but thou shalt now and then have a similitude from the Sun or the Moon or so or if they be not at leisure from the grey-ey'd Morn a shady Grove or a purling Stream But I 'll engage this shan't fall out often enough to choak thee For what canst thou expect from one the chief burthen of whose Brain is the carriage of his Body and the setting his Face in a good frame From one that weighs his Breath between his Teeth and dares not smile beyond a point for fear t' unstarch his Look From a Puppy-Snout so utterly nothing that he knows not what he would be or write From one who is just such a Man to a tittle as his Taylor pleaseth to make him And to speak the truth I find my Bodily qualities are very well fitted to those of my Soul I have not put on the quaint garb of the Age which is now become a Man's total nor humbled my Meditations to the industry of Complement nor afflicted my Brain by an claborate Leg but my Scrape is homely and my Nod worse I cannot kiss my Hand and cry Madam your humble Servant nor talk idly enough to bear her company my Bussing a Lady is somewhat too savoury and the reason may be because I usually mistake her Nose for her Lip Avery Woodcock would puzzle me in carving for I want the Logick of a Capon yet this I must say for my self that when I am at a Feast the perplexity of Mannerliness will not let me feed As for my Hat it is commonly nayl'd to my Head except at a Christening and then all my Behaviours are printed But it were enough to make a Stoick forget his gravity and an Heraclitus to burst into laughter to hear me discourse the Gossips My Tongue is the Gentleman-Usher to my Wit and stil goes before it yet is my Head which looks as if t 'had worn out three or four Bodies and was legacy'd to me by my Great-Grandfather always so busie about Matters of Learning that I can seldom find time to comb my Hair wash my Hands or to consider whether that which I take for a Band be not a Dishclout or whether it it do not stand towards the Ale-house I seldom cut my Nails till they are long enough to scratch my Grannum out of her Grave and as seldom wipe my Nose which is still my Limbeck and my Mouth is the Receiver So that I am just like one of the old Philosophers the length of whose Beards did assure the World that they had not time from their deep Contemplations to cut them So that I fancy it would hugely accommodate me to dwell as Diogenes did in a Tub for there my Nose might drop at pleasure I am one that am not guilty of making Legs as thinking that they are made already but I chuse rather to make Faces such as were never made before and are usually more lowring than the last day of Ianuary In a word I have seen a handsomer Mortal carv'd in monumental Gingerbread If you have ever view'd that wooden Gentleman that peeps out of a Country Barber's Window you may fancy some resemblance of me But tho' I have little to boast on above the gross and common work of Nature and am not acquainted with the modish styles in writing yet for all that I am a plain-spoken Lad I 'se call a Spade a Spade and will not bid you deosculate your Posteriors but when I would speak to that purpose I speak the plainest English As to my Chin I 'd compare it to the Gnomon of a Dial but that it is not fring'd with Hair enough to stand for the twelve hours My Eyes are heavy and naturally require the light My Cheeks resemble Famine painted on a clean Trencher I am the very Ape of a Man a Iack-of-Lent a very Top that 's of no use but when 't is whipt and lasht My shortest things are my Hair which is usually cut to the Figure of Three Two high cliffs run up my Temples and a cape of shorn hair shoots down my Forchead with Creeks indented where my Ears ride at anchor When I have got any piece of News 't is easier to make Stones speak than me to hold my peace And therefore 't is I hate all places where there is an Eccho because it robs me of my dear Repetition and confounds the Company as well as me But of all Mortals I admire the Short-hand Men who have the patience to write from my Mouth for had they the Art to shorten it into Sence they might write what I can say in a continued discourse of six hours long on the back of their Nail for my Invention consists in finding a way to speak